tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7557318488749343982024-03-07T17:33:16.795-06:00Hopelessly EclecticThe rantings of a slightly-deranged midwesterner. "Eclectic" in this context probably means "having a disorganized and unruly mind."Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-65810148989487833742008-05-08T12:39:00.001-06:002008-05-08T16:36:48.423-06:00Can somebody explain Marmaduke to me?Okay, I really need your help. I've been tormented for years by a question. I need to find someone, <span style="font-style: italic;">anyone</span> who actually enjoys <span style="font-style: italic;">Marmaduke</span> and why. Professional journalist types might, at this point, go on to say something like, "for those who are not familiar with it, <span style="font-style: italic;">Marmaduke</span> is a classic comic strip featuring a great Dane blah, blah, blah." But I, not being a professional journalist type, know that every English-speaking organism on the planet knows about this hideous strip. I have never read, seen, heard of, or walked by a newspaper that does not have this awful blemish on the history of illustrated humor. What's more, it's often at the very top of the funnies page. Nothing like opening with your best material!<br /><br />My disgust with this horrible excuse for funny is aptly summed up by Joe Mathlete, who has created the "Marmaduke Explained" blog (not linking there, as it's not entirely family-friendly, but still reeely funny). According to Joe, <span style="font-style: italic;">Marmaduke</span> consists of four alternating jokes: "Marmaduke is big, Marmaduke is [a jerk], Marmaduke thinks he's people, and the occasional inexplicable bit of 'phantom humor.'" Joe gives examples of 'phantom humor' on his site, but it's essentially a random thing that apparently occurred to the cartoonist as being funny, but is in no way related to the strip or its characters.<br /><br />At no time have I ever found this strip funny. I generally understand which of the four jokes the cartoonist is telling on any given day, but none of them have made me so much as smile. On <a href="http://www.comics.com/categories/index.html">comics.com</a>, <span style="font-style: italic;">Marmaduke</span> is categorized under Ages 30-50, Family, and Pets. I <span style="font-style: italic;">am</span> between ages thirty and fifty, I have a family, and I have had pets. Nothing. And I have never met anybody in any of those categories who actually finds the strip funny.<br /><br />Don't get me wrong... I hate other comics with four or fewer jokes, too. <a href="http://www.familycircus.com/">The Family Circus</a> only has three jokes: the dotted line schtick, the Not Me/Ida Know deal, and one-of-the-kids-says-something-precious old saw. There are also several things that occur that are not really jokes (like grandpa looking down from heaven or grandma delivering a Sunday School lesson theme). I guess they're supposed to warm the cockles of my heart instead. Keep away from my cockles please, Bil. And that's the other thing: "Bil." Good grief (to quote <a href="http://www.peanuts.com/">Charles Schultz</a>)! I'm going to start spelling my name with a silent Q just to be unique.<br /><br />Even so, I can still actually <span style="font-style: italic;">see</span> why some people enjoy The Family Circus. The <a href="http://www.dennisthemenace.com/">Dennis-the-Menace</a>-on-Prozac effect may actually be appealing to some. Not me, but some. I tend to think that it grossly overshoots "cute" and hits "cutesy" most of the time. And yes, I'm a parent, so I'm equipped to get the jokes. It might be funny if my kid said it, but it's not if he pretends his kids did. And the reliance on three jokes gets tiresome after a decade or two, too.<br /><br />Even so, The Family Circus seems to have the wit and edge of <a href="http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/">Non Sequitur</a> and <a href="http://www.thefarside.com/">The Far Side</a> along with the sardonic quality of <a href="http://www.comics.com/creators/agnes/index.html"></a><a href="http://www.comics.com/creators/agnes/index.html">Agnes</a>, compared to my arch-nemesis Marmaduke. The lack of actual funny, along with the visual appeal of <a href="http://www.zippythepinhead.com/">Zippy the Pinhead</a>, make for a comic strip slightly less enticing than the art of <a href="http://www.comics.com/comics/getfuzzy/index.html">Get Fuzzy</a> with the dialog of <a href="http://www.kingfeatures.com/features/comics/rmorgan/about.htm">Rex Morgan, MD</a>. It never deserved to share the same page with the sacred <a href="http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/">Calvin and Hobbes</a> (may it rest in peace) or the niche but hilarious <a href="http://www.dilbert.com/">Dilbert</a>. How does it end up in every newspaper in history? I have to think that there's some Haliburton-style government contract involved.<br /><br />So back to my plea. I have to find somebody who actually likes Marmaduke so that they can be reported to medical science and studied. Please reply via comment to this post with any information you can share. The world waits.<span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span>Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-84187072496681250292008-05-06T08:00:00.003-06:002008-05-06T08:56:35.169-06:00C.A.E.: The allianceHopelessly Eclectic is pleased to report that our <a href="http://hopelesslyeclectic.blogspot.com/2007/01/cae-business.html"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Crimes Against English: Business</span></a> unit is teaming up with Clinton from the wildly funny and suitably eclectic <a href="http://www.comedy4cast.com/">Comedy4Cast</a> podcast to harness the power of what Clinton calls business-speak and we have termed Talking Like a Manager. In his dabblings in the black arts of the Alpha Suit, Clinton has called upon his legion of followers to try to plant a new trendy phrase into the business lexicon.<br /><br />The phrase: Dog ear<br />The context: "That's a good point, but out-of-scope for this work breakdown. Let's <span style="font-weight: bold;">dog ear</span> that for a later meeting."<br /><br />The allure of the phrase is obvious. What a great image—turning down the corner of a page in a book or magazine to come back to later. At least, it's a great image until the seven smurftillionth repetition has flogged it to a dry, leathery husk of an expression. Yeeeeess, Smithers! Let us join Clinton in his unholy quest.<br /><br />But wait! A few reminders before you set off on your quest.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The dilemma of the Lesser Suit</span><br />Trendy business phrases are typically bestowed on the humble masses by the Alpha Suit. If a Lesser Suit attempts to plant "dog ear" during a random meeting, the Alpha Suit will be suspicious. Since it's clever, the Alpha Suit may even be jealous—not having thought of it first—and kill it by ridiculing the Lesser Suit.<br /><br />The Alpha Suit will not have this reaction if he hears the phrase from a silverback of another pack, especially if he believes it to have originated from a Grand Alpha Suit. If you are a Lesser Suit, you can use this to your advantage by planting the phrase in a meeting immediately after you have attended a conference, meeting, or even conference call attended by a Grand Alpha Suit or his minions. This is especially powerful if you are assigned to give a presentation <span style="font-style: italic;">about</span> the recent meeting to your team and Alpha Suit. Liberally pepper your talk with as many mentions of the new phrase as you can.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Dos</span><br /><ul><li>Use this phrase a lot. The sooner a clever phrase sounds tired, the sooner it sounds indespensable when Talking Like A Manager.</li><li>Especially target your Alpha Suit after the initial introduction; he will become uncomfortable at being out of the loop and become biologically required to use the phrase as well, with a Tourets-like frequency and force.</li><li>When speaking to lesser suits, attribute the phrase (indirectly) to the Alpha Suit. For example: "Bob was going on and on about the project budget until Rick told him to dog ear it until the May numbers came out."</li></ul><span style="font-weight: bold;">Don'ts</span><br /><ul><li>Never explain the meaning of the phrase when using it. That covers it with the stink of something new and creative; the pack will instantly mob and kill it. If you use the phrase casually and without explanation, Lesser Suits who don't understand will feel stupid and lust for the power of your words.</li><li>If you're asked where you heard "dog ear," never answer directly. An incredulous smirk or "you've never heard of that?" will generally suffice. Otherwise choose something smug and dismissive like "You must not have been invited to that meeting."</li><li>And finally, don't try to execute Operation Dog Ear without careful planning. A cadre within your pack may want to work together to find the optimal time and place to put your plan into action.</li></ul>Listen to <a href="http://www.comedy4cast.com/">Comedy4Cast</a> and watch this space for details and progress of this critical initiative. Together, we can infiltrate the uppermost ranks of the Alpha Suits and bring utter ruin on their accursed heads. BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHA! Also, it'd be pretty funny if we could actually get it to stick.Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-39633395153960522382008-05-03T17:58:00.009-06:002008-05-03T18:59:28.514-06:00Crimes Against English: Email<em>Crimes Against English is a semi-occasional feature of Hopelessly Eclectic. I use these posts to shame alleged native English–speakers into stopping the senseless abuse of a language that's just minding its own business, after all. For more information about C.A.E. philosophy, see </em><a href="http://hopelesslyeclectic.blogspot.com/2007/01/crimes-against-english.html"><em>http://hopelesslyeclectic.blogspot.com/2007/01/crimes-against-english.html</em></a><em>.</em><br /><br />We at CAE are thrilled to bring you the latest innovation in defeating language criminals: the email exposé. Today, we bring you this real example, unearthed by the CAE operative code-named <span style="font-style: italic;">Y-Contributor</span>. The following email was sent from a maintenance technician to the plant manager of a large facility in a major manufacturing company. Names have been changed to protect the clueless.<br /><hr /><br /><br />To: (Supervisor), (Plant Manager)<br />From: (Technician X)<br />Date: xxxxxx<br />cc: Bert<br />Subject: power outage<br /><br />Me and Bert for a air conditioner to be bad. One of<br />the condenser cooling fans has a bad bearing we think.<br />There is 2 of the unit that are not running. The<br />latest on in the only one that is turned off on the<br />north side of the building. The other one in on the<br />south side. There also may be a problem with on on<br />the paint booth as well. Ever thing was running good<br />when we went home.<br /><br />Best Regards<br />(Technician X)<br />Maintenance<br />City, state<br />Phone: xxx-xxx-xxxx<br />Fax: xxx-xxx-xxxx<br /><hr /><br />After rereading, we realized that we need to emphasize that this is <span style="font-style: italic;">real</span>. The only changes we made were to remove identifiable information. To paraphrase Dave Barry<span style="font-style: italic;">, we are not making this up.</span>Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-24010485233218048422008-05-02T08:00:00.004-06:002008-05-03T17:58:00.762-06:00Bag boys and drive-thrusI have a mission. Maybe you can help. I'm trying to find the secret headquarters of an organization whose name I don't know, but which I'm calling the <span style="font-weight: bold;">C</span>oalition of <span style="font-weight: bold;">R</span>eally <span style="font-weight: bold;">A</span>nnoying <span style="font-weight: bold;">P</span>eople (from whom we buy stuff). I know, not very catchy, but I'm working on it. Like "dark matter," this secretive group is invisible to scientists; however, we can detect its presence by the effect that it has on everything around us, bending light, altering orbits, keeping Dancing With the Stars on the air....<br /><br />I postulate this CRAP to be responsible for the fact every time I go somewhere to buy stuff, employees uniformly do the same infuriating things to make my life more difficult. I'm picturing a secret underground training facility somewhere beneath the Mojave desert. Row upon row of men and women stand at rigid attention, besmocked, beaproned, and behatted (I'm pretty sure those are words, right?) in the uniforms of their regiments.<br /><br />A surly, burly, really large man paces back and forth in front of the assembled masses, shouting: "Drive-through privates! Where do you put the coins when you hand change out the window?!" A deafening roar comes back as the pleebs yell in unison, "Right on top of the foldin' money, <span style="font-style: italic;">sir!</span>" He smirks and issues another challenge. "Bag-boy cadets! How do you bag the biggest, bloodiest hunk of meat in the shopping cart?!" From another quarter of the cavernous hall comes, "Right on top of the Wonder Bread, <span style="font-style: italic;">sir!</span>"<br /><br />The drill instructor walks crisply up to a lone teenager standing at the very front of the room. The boy's body is so bionically stiff that it appears he may actually sprain something without moving. It's clear that this poor soul is on display, an example for the others. The loudest challenge yet is barked, barely three inches from this trembling boy's face. "When somebody asks where to find the sandpaper, what do you do, boy?!" All the color drains from his face, but he musters, "<span style="font-style: italic;">Sir, </span>I say 'Probably over near the adhesives,' <span style="font-style: italic;">Sir!</span>"<br /><br />"Do you point in the right direction?!"<br />"<span style="font-style: italic;">Sir, no sir!</span>"<br /><br />"Do you <span style="font-style: italic;">look</span> in the right direction?!"<br />"<span style="font-style: italic;">Sir, no sir!</span>"<br /><br />"Do you you give an <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">aisle number</span>?!"<br />"<span style="font-style: italic;">Sir, no sir!</span>"<br /><br />"Do you <span style="font-style: italic;">ever</span>, under <span style="font-style: italic;">any circumstances</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;">walk the enemy to the product and hand it to them</span>?!"<br />A wince and a gulp. "<span style="font-style: italic;">No sir, I do not, sir!</span>"<br /><br />Having made his point, he turns back to the sea of faces in front of him. "Richards here has bought himself 30 days on bread and water! If I <span style="font-style: italic;">ever</span> catch one of you maggots being attentive, solicitous, proactive, or sensible again, I will <span style="font-style: italic;">personally</span> bust you down to weekend night janitor! Do I make myself understood?!"<br /><br />The room shakes with the resulting <span style="font-weight: bold;">"</span><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Sir, yes sir!</span><span style="font-weight: bold;">"</span>.<br /><br />Somewhere else within the labyrinthine complex, a room buzzes with activity. New recruits are role-playing.<br /><br />"I'd like to get a number one, with ketchup and pickles only, with fries and a Coke to drink."<br /><br />A tidy, precise woman addresses the room: "What did Chambers do wrong?"<br /><br />A recruit in front offers "Ma'am, he didn't <span style="font-style: italic;">say</span> anything. He let the enemy get the whole order out. He had no defense."<br /><br />"Show him how it's done, Barnard. Reich, order again."<br /><br />"I'd like to get a number one, wi-"<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"What would you like to drink with that?"</span><br /><br />"Um, a Coke, and I need that burger wi-"<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Do you want me to king-size that for you for only 99 cents?"</span><br /><br />"No... um, thanks. Hey can I get ketch-"<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Can I get you anything else?"</span><br /><br />"Yeah, ketchup and pickles on that burger, please."<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Okay, two number ones, one with just ketchup and pickles and a Coke to drink. What do you want to drink with the second meal? Do you want </span>that<span style="font-style: italic;"> king-sized, too?"</span><br /><br />The instructor smiles, "Excellent, Barnard. Now you try it again, Chambers."<br /><br />The whole huge compound thrums with the evil energies of the unholy service employee indoctrination machine. We must find it and infiltrate it. And destroy it. The scope and reach of this organization must be huge, as they have penetrated all layers of our society and every region of the country. We must... stop... them... Talking like... Shatner.... Please... before it's too.... *gasp*Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-26045282972989295122008-04-30T08:28:00.009-06:002008-04-30T21:27:27.051-06:00Drive the Hopelessly Eclectic wayThough I like to joke around in this space, I don't want people to think that I'm unaware of the Important Issues of the Day. So today, I will try to offer some solutions to a problem that vexes many today: the plight of suburban assault vehicle (SAV) driver.<br /><br />When I took my son to preschool today, I was saddened to see a young mom trying in vain to drop off her two young children. What was the problem? She was very sensibly driving the kind of mammoth vehicle that is usually accompanied by the sound of mortar explosions and close-air support from A-10 Warthogs and attack helicopters. Because you never know when the orange-clad sixth-grade crossing guard may in fact turn out to be an insurgent. Clearly, this mom had her priorities in order, but my kid's school is woefully short of parking spaces larger than a city block.<br /><br />As the soccer-mom is replaced by the combat mom (or the gilded quad-cab mondo-super-duty pickup mom), where will all of these folks park their SAVs before they go back home or traverse the rugged terrain to the nail salon?<br /><br />I have the solution: The Hopelessly Eclectic Extreme Car Makeover. The key to remember is that the defining feature of these vehicles is not actually the size. Size is just one way to broadcast obscene wealth, contempt for the environment, and supreme ugliness. Our squadron of talented artisan car detailers will apply just the right paint job to lend a poorly-proportioned, ungainly look to the BMW, Infiniti, or Mini Cooper of your choice. What's more, we will encrust the exterior with precious stones, $100 bills, and <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kopi_Luwak">civet cat coffee</a> beans to let the world know just how much spare cash you have lying around.<br /><br />"The vulgar ostentation is great," you may say, "but driving something I can actually park somewhere will rob me of the opportunity to burn up the entire output of an OPEC country during a typical month. How will I help us to keep up with China in pollutant production and singlehandedly add 45 cents to the cost of every barrel of oil?" We've got you covered. Through our Adopt-A-Barrel program, you can purchase fossil fuels by the barrel (currently $116 each). Why wait for it to be refined, when we can burn it for you on our own facility with no pesky catalytic converter to keep the good stuff to ourselves? For a modest annual fee, we'll even knock down the rainforest of your choice.<br /><br />The downside, of course, will be the inability of your new car to crush, mutilate, spindle, and smithereen other cars (and their drivers), should you get into an accident. I admit that we don't have a solution for that. Even great ideas have their tradeoffs. But consider a final advantage as a consolation prize: you can probably only fit one or two SAVs into the attached hangar at your house right now. By pimping out the Hopelessly Eclectic way, you'll have room to stockpile a whole fleet of rides that show the real you. Happy driving!Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-21369144100630830002008-04-29T17:56:00.002-06:002008-04-29T18:09:59.956-06:00Crimes Against English; we're baaaaack!<em>Crimes Against English is a semi-occasional feature of Hopelessly Eclectic. I use these posts to shame alleged native English–speakers into stopping the senseless abuse of a language that's just minding its own business, after all. For more information about C.A.E. philosophy, see </em><a href="http://hopelesslyeclectic.blogspot.com/2007/01/crimes-against-english.html"><em>http://hopelesslyeclectic.blogspot.com/2007/01/crimes-against-english.html</em></a><em>.</em><br /><br />CAE operatives come in many varieties. I invite you to visit <a href="http://chroniclesofgeorge.nanc.com/">The Chronicles of George</a> to see the fine work of one such defender of the language's virtue. Many of my friends from the IT world are already familiar with this site, which recounts one man's experiences with a tech-support guy whose "grasp on the written word is shakier than a canoe full of epileptics." Enjoy.<em><br /><br /><br /></em>Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-11851700182203191982008-04-28T10:53:00.001-06:002008-04-28T15:29:07.301-06:00But I digress...Since the kindling of politics has lit a fire under me again literarily, (wow, does that metaphor totally <span style="font-style: italic;">not</span> work!) I need to find a new home for such things. To avoid the risk of de-eclectifying this column, I'm moving all (most) things political to <a href="http://benicetous.blogspot.com/">"Be nice to America..."</a>. I'll keep populating this space with... well... whatever it is that's here. Really, I will!Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-12197307639797807022008-04-28T07:33:00.006-06:002008-04-30T21:31:22.178-06:00McCain: The conversion is completeWell, it's happened. The Church of Rove has finally baptized its most resistant candidate for conversion. So much attention has been given to Obama's embarrassing clergy connections of late that the press has completely missed the story of the real epiphany. Under the benevolent eye of Pope George the Dubya, John McCain has been born again. The miracle became most evident in recent days, when Brother John recanted his heresy and declared potential presidential rival Barack Obama "out of touch" and "insensitive" to the plight of poor people because he doesn't support extending the Bush tax cuts that he earlier decried because they help rich people instead of poor people. Under a President McCain, the nation's neediest will be able to sell their boats, their rental properties, and their stocks without such a big tax penalty. Can I get an 'Amen!'?<br /><br />The Spirit must really be moving when the ex-foe of irresponsible spending can't give away enough of the operating capital that runs the country. In addition to permanizing Bush's whole raft of tax bonanzas to the wealthy, Brother John wants to give everybody a couple of dollars back on every tank of gas. It'll be a real savings for the impoverished when they are filling up their Hummers and Escalades. Where's the money coming from? Who cares?! Let me hear a 'Haleluia!'<br /><br />But Sinner-John's apostasy was never just about the economy. In February of 2000, the blasphemy rang out loud and clear: people who used a thin veneer of dogma and piety to justify hate, bigotry, and self-interest were called "agents of intolerance" by this intractable scoundrel. But never fear. Since the Straight Talk Express 2.0 left the station, McCain's reawakening has become evident. He has made speeches at Bob Jones and Liberty Universities. He even told the tempter Russert in April of 2006 that he no longer believed Jerry Falwell to be such an agent. Testify!<br /><br />Evidence that the Spirit has descended on McCain continues on and on. McCain has abandoned comprehensive immigration reform, now saying that nothing else can be done until the border is 'secured' (that is until we've built a big wall, complete with razor wire, around the entire country and deported every last illegal). Campaign finance reform? You betcha'. Oh he's using the public financing system for his campaign (What are you crazy?! He could never out-raise that Obama character!). But it works better that way. He can use his paltry funds for 'respectful debate' such as "Hamas wants Obama; so vote your fears!" In the meantime, the RNC can spend unlimited amounts of money on 'issue ads' that question Obama's patriotism, religion, national origin, and whether he murders cute little kitties just for fun.<br /><br />In another promising sign, McCain has exploited a loophole in his own former vice of campaign finance reform and has taken to flying around in private jet of his wife's company for much less than the going charter rate. Well, it's legal (because his wife owns the jet... even though they have separate finances and she isn't helping the campaign in the teeniest way), but it does stick its thumb in the eye of the spirit of finance reform. Praise be!<br /><br />At least Brother John has never wavered in his support of the Holy War in Iraq. He truly understands that the War on Terror is the only Way we can remain in power in perpetuity. Indeed, he has even taught Pope George a thing or two. "Stay the course" seems awfully wimpy next to "Heck... send 'em all in!" The wise expenditure of pretty much all of our military resources gives new meaning to the taunts of North Korea and Iran when they say "You and whose army?!"<br /><br />Brother John's political foes pounce on his willingness to stay for 100 years, when everybody knows that he meant it was okay to stay for 100 years as long as people aren't being killed over there like they are now. (No word yet on when our continuing success in Iraq will yield people not getting killed there so the 100 years can commence. But I digress from my homiletic thread....) Where was I? Oh yes... Mazal Tov! Oops, sorry. I forgot that the Church of Rove digs Jews in a political sense only. Lost my head.<br /><br />So anyway, take heart, Brothers and Sisters. That evil thorn in our side—who fancied himself a Maverick—is now a gelding. We are free once again to continue with the ritual sacrifice of those without trust funds on the altar of <strike>captiali</strike> democracy. Please turn in your hymnals to the Service of Rapturous Adoration of the Flag. Let's sing together "You're Either For Us or an Elitist."Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-54735710165134671592008-04-24T19:06:00.008-06:002008-04-24T21:27:19.201-06:00Clinton's Big Win<span style="font-weight: bold;">*sigh*</span><br /><ul><li>Anatole Koletsky of the Times of London today declares "The Democrats must admit it: Obama would lose to McCain."<br /></li><li>Clinton demands to know "Why can't Obama close the deal?"</li><li>Blah, blah blah</li></ul>Okay, I was going to put a whole bunch of quotes up there, but I couldn't put up with the tripe anymore. Here's what happened on Tuesday:<br /><br /><ol><li>Obama tried really, really hard to win in a reliably blue state whose elderly and Catholic voters just love the heck out of Hillary.</li><li>He closed a 26-point gap to about 10 points.</li><li>And yup, he didn't win.</li></ol>Well, <span style="font-style: italic;">duh</span>. It would be super terrific for his campaign if he had, but the Clinton brand won. Let me say it again: a state whose demographics overwhelmingly, crushingly tilted the state in HRC's favor went to HRC on Tuesday. And I repeat: <span style="font-style: italic;">well <span style="font-weight: bold;">duh</span></span>.<br /><br />Yes, the blue hairs and the blue collars love Bill Clinton, who regularly says "Vote for me" while stumping (ostensibly) for his wife. He really does. But 73 paragraphs earlier, he's sure to say "This is what Hillary says...." Despite Bill's best efforts to be obnoxious, many of the truest, bluest Democrats want to see if they can get back some more of what was so much better than the last eight years.<br /><br />Aside from the fact that 1) Hillary wasn't running the country then, and 2) Bill won't be running the country if she wins, there are lots of other reasons to laugh so hard that you cough up blood when you listen to all of the "this proves that only Hillary can win" crowd. Everybody come along with me on this astounding foray into logic vacuum:<br /><br />"Obama can't beat Hillary in Pennsylvania" = "Obama can't beat McCain in Pennsylvania"<br /><br />So, by the commutative property (or whatever. I was a music major.):<br /><br />"McCain" = "Hillary'<br /><br />Is anybody with me here? Yes, approximately half of Democrats like her better than him. And many of them like her much, <span style="font-style: italic;">much</span> better than him and are really angry that she's not winning.<br /><br />But to suggest that Obama can't win because he can't take away a state that was tailor-made for her is just silly. Would everybody agree that North Carolina is similarly a strong demographic for Obama? The RCP average of the most recent (but still really old) polls in North Carolina have Obama ahead by 15.5 points. So between now and the North Carolina primary, does anybody believe that Clinton will narrow the gap? If she did, it might be almost as impressive as what Obama did in Pennsylvania. But she won't. Where Obama has the ability to chip away at leads that she gets by dint of political inertia, Obama tends to solidify and capitalize on the demographics that he gets as freebies.<br /><br />Clinton/Wolfson/Penn/Ickes have been bemoaning the amount by which they've been outspent in Penn. Hee hee. Why not just take out an ad saying "My opponent can raise more capital and out-advertise me. Just imagine what he can do in a race against an opponent with a lethargic base who is suspicious of their candidate!"<br /><br />Seems like the Clinton camp is praising Obama with faint damns. Anyway, I'll be waiting to see Hillary come out on top in North Carolina. After all, I heard that she'd raised $2.5mil within microseconds of being declared the winner in Pennsylvania. Well shucks, with all of that money, if she can't close the deal in NC, I'll be wondering what's going on.Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-34131699428724637722007-02-01T22:01:00.001-06:002008-05-05T17:30:44.848-06:00Aerie MusingsInterested in the thoughts of a philosophical, outdoorsman, theological historian? Try: <a href="http://aeriemusings.blogspot.com/">http://aeriemusings.blogspot.com/</a>.<br /><br />The author is my brother-in-law, and Good People.Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-43466321836248338422007-02-01T21:19:00.001-06:002008-05-01T12:22:43.076-06:00C.A.E.: Business<em>Crimes Against English is a semi-occasional feature of Hopelessly Eclectic. I use these posts to shame alleged native English–speakers into stopping the senseless abuse of a language that's just minding its own business, after all. For more information about C.A.E. philosophy, see </em><a href="http://hopelesslyeclectic.blogspot.com/2007/01/crimes-against-english.html"><em>http://hopelesslyeclectic.blogspot.com/2007/01/crimes-against-english.html</em></a><em>.</em><br /><br />In today's issue, we continue the riveting discussion about <strong>Talking Like a Manager.</strong> As described in our <a href="http://hopelesslyeclectic.blogspot.com/2007/01/cae-business.html">last installment</a>, <em><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" onclick="BLOG_clickHandler(this)">verbing</span></em> is your most important tool to become, well, a tool. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" onclick="BLOG_clickHandler(this)">Skilling</span> up for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" onclick="BLOG_clickHandler(this)">verbing</span> takes time, though. (Smooth, huh? I dare you to try it out in your next staff meeting.) In the meantime, the average guy or gal seeking to become the Alpha Suit shouldn't be standing still. Enter the <em>gratuitous reflexive</em>.<br /><br />You remember the reflexive form from junior high English, right. You use "self" with the appropriate pronoun because you are doing something to or about your<em>self</em>. (Or somebody is doing something to or about him/her<em>self.) For</em> example:<br /><br /><blockquote><em>I have nobody to blame but <u>myself</u> for getting <u>myself</u> in trouble when I recommended to my teacher that she go perform an impossible act on <u>herself</u>.<br /></em></blockquote><br />Pretty straightforward, right? Sure, if you're not Management Material. If you want to fast-track yourself to Alpha <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" onclick="BLOG_clickHandler(this)">Suithood</span>, you really need to flout the rules of English. You can appear more refined and important if you gratuitously tack "self" onto random first-person pronouns. Like so:<br /><em><blockquote><em>Please familiarize yourselves with the proposed new policies. I'd like to socialize the changes before <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" onclick="BLOG_clickHandler(this)">productioning</span> them. If you should have any questions, please don't hesitate to <u>ask <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" onclick="BLOG_clickHandler(this)">Raymondo</span> or myself</u>.</em><br /></blockquote></em><br />I know I used a lot of advanced techniques in that last example. You may not be ready to integrate them into your Alpha Suit skill track yet, but I believe that immersion is the best way to learn.<br /><br />In any case, note the gratuitous use of "myself," when non-Alpha Suit types would stick with the technically-correct "me." (Yes, I know that nobody can ask myself or do anything else to myself except me, but we're talking about business actualization, not grammar.)<br /><br />Note that <em>nobody</em> but an actual Alpha Suit could get away with the following without inspiring quizzical looks and/or eye rolls:<br /><blockquote><em>This report was prepared by myself over the past months.<br /></em></blockquote><p>Don't try it unless you're an Alpha Suit... even if you hear an Alpha Suit say it. It is much too powerful magic for Lesser Suits. Your use of the gratuitous reflexive needs to be more subtle, usually dragging in at least one other person for camouflage. But fear not—through careful planning, you too can use this highly effective tool. Here are some examples to send you on your way. Happy <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6" onclick="BLOG_clickHandler(this)">selfing</span>:</p><blockquote><p><em>Everybody but Tami and myself were made aware of the changes to this policy. Can you help me understand why I wasn't looped on this?</em></p></blockquote><p><em>I'm not convinced this project would have gone forward, had anybody but myself been the lead.</em></p><em></em><blockquote><p><em><em>Myself, I wouldn't have made that choice.</em></em></p></blockquote><p></p><em>When somebody has a chance, could you fill in Pierre and myself?</em><em> </em><blockquote><p><em><em>The meeting was run by the lead team and myself.</em></em></p></blockquote><p></p><em><strong>Q:</strong> Who built that web page? <strong>A:</strong> Actually, myself.</em> <p></p>Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-30160443530525104802007-01-31T17:52:00.000-06:002007-01-31T17:53:23.856-06:00Wednesday Haiku Extra BonusFor computer error message Haiku:<br /><br /><a href="http://www.infiltec.com/j-chaiku.htm">http://www.infiltec.com/j-chaiku.htm</a>Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-65404514335127584722007-01-31T17:48:00.001-06:002008-04-28T17:31:03.073-06:00Wednesday Bonus HaikuSo this is "hump day"<br />Less appealing than it sounds<br />Better luck next Wed.Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-81287946536658137132007-01-28T01:30:00.001-06:002008-04-28T17:33:24.649-06:00C.A.E.—We have operatives everywhere<em>Crimes Against English is a semi-occasional feature of Hopelessly Eclectic. I use these posts to shame alleged native English–speakers into stopping the senseless abuse of a language that's just minding its own business, after all. For more information about C.A.E. philosophy, see </em><a href="http://hopelesslyeclectic.blogspot.com/2007/01/crimes-against-english.html"><em>Crimes</em> Against English</a><em>.</em><br /><br />My compliments to Barbara J. Harrison for her clever <a href="http://desmoinesregister.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070127/OPINION04/701270316/1035/OPINION">letter to the editor </a>in the Saturday <em><a href="http://desmoinesregister.com/apps/pbcs.dll/frontpage">Des Moines Register</a></em> this week. I name her Honorary C.A.E. Operative of the Week in recognition of her contributions to grammar excellence everywhere. Check out the letter for a good laugh or two.<br /><br /><span style="color:#ff6666;">Update: Sadly the Des Moines Register doesn't keep stuff on its website forever; thus, this link is broken. I have Learned My Lesson and will rip off content and put quotes around the whole thing in the future.</span>Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-36210279602491037582007-01-26T16:04:00.000-06:002007-01-27T21:36:00.311-06:00What—no Wife Points?In the aftermath of my provocative exposé about the little-understood <a href="http://hopelesslyeclectic.blogspot.com/2007/01/husband-points.html">Husband Points System</a>, I've been asked many times (mostly by the voices inside my head) "Why only a Husband Points system? Isn't there also a Wife Points system? How about some way for men to reclaim some power?" Poor sods.<br /><br />These questions arise from a fundamental misunderstanding of the Way The Universe Works. Here are some practical reasons a WP system (and remember, you can substitute GP for Girlfriend Points, or whatever equivalent you prefer) will never work:<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>The negative feedback loop</strong><br /></span>In the previous two Husband Points articles, we clarified that HP are not redeemable for anything. Instead, they exist to be lost. The very act of losing HP carries the penalty of making interactions with your sweetie Less Pleasant. Let's pretend that you have instituted a Wife Points system. You have done this surreptitiously. Why? Imagine your mate's reaction to the idea. An immediate waterfall of HP rain down on the floor.<br /><br />Do you begin to see the problem? Let's take it further and imagine a case in which the wife is question is clearly ogling some attractive man. (If she is cupping her hands and mumbling something like "...could bounce a quarter off those...," it obviously exacerbates the situation.) Now imagine applying the point system: Clearly, she deserves to take a hit in WP.<br /><br />Imagine that your wife now says, "You know, I'm not really feeling like Chinese tonight. Could we do Indian instead?" Springing on your opportunity to cash in on those lost WP, you say, "Well, if you really want to, I could eat Indian. I just don't see why we can't go where <em>I</em> want to for a while." According to the fictitious WP system, you are well within your bounds... There will never be a good outcome from this. You will begin bleeding so many HP that a tourniquet around your neck will actually sound appealing.<br /><br />Do you fully appreciate the problem? The effect of a WP system would be exactly the same as the effect of the HP, <em>but much, much more! </em>You may as well pour gasoline on yourself and try to put out fires by stomping on them.<br /><em></em><br /><strong>The... Er... <em>affection</em> angle</strong><br />In the HP system, loss of HP can render the husband less likely to encounter the... er... <em>affection</em> of his beloved. This tends to make a Big Impression on us. Such impressions can be strong motivators in our perseverance and creativity in avoiding Husband Point loss.<br /><br />Now compare the effect of the HP system with the effects of the WP system: you lose points, you get nothing. She loses points, you get nothing. <em>It's the same thing. What are you, stupid?</em><br /><br /><p align="center"><hr width="90%"><br /><p></p><p align="left">I hope this clears up the question of Wife Points at long last. If you wish to inflict that kind of karmic sinkhole on yourself, have party. Me, I'm going to go and sit quietly in the middle of a darkened room and try very hard to avoid losing any more HP.</p>Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-52133460190271480502007-01-25T13:14:00.000-06:002007-01-26T12:20:37.348-06:00FAQ: MeI thought now might be an ideal time to begin leaking personal information about myself to the press, in preparation for the announcement about my presidential exploratory committee. So please enjoy the following FAQ (<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Fictitiously</span> Asked Questions):<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>Q:</strong></span><br />So how does a guy with two music degrees end up being an Operating Systems Analyst?<br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">A:</span></strong><br />The first section (about 50 measures or so) goes along about like everybody expects it to. Suddenly, there's a <a href="http://www.google.com/search?q=define%3A+caesura">caesura</a>, followed by a frantic 10-measure transitional section marked by discord and <a href="http://www.google.com/search?q=define%3A+tremolo">tremolo</a>. This section is marked in the score as "lifelong hobby becomes new job." The transition ends rather painlessly, but leads to an entirely new key. Another 50 measures later, dramatic music signals the beginning of another (however much more gradual) transition. This work is as yet unfinished.<br /><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Q: </span></strong><br />Huh?<br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>A:</strong></span><br />Always loved music, theater, and computers/technology. Went to school with majors in Music Education and Theater. Dropped theater a couple of years in, because I had to graduate eventually. Married my sweetie. Graduated a semester later with a Bachelors of Music Education. Substitute taught for the rest of the school year in the Sioux Falls, SD public schools. Got a graduate <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" onclick="BLOG_clickHandler(this)">assistantship</span> and went back to school for another year and a summer. Graduated with a Masters in voice performance.<br /><br />Moved to Jewell, IA to teach middle school and high school vocal music there. After three years there, moved to Des <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" onclick="BLOG_clickHandler(this)">Moines</span> to take a great high-school vocal job at Lincoln High School. After that year, realized that teaching music was not my vocation. The following <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">occurred</span> to me: "Hey, I love computers, too. I bet I could make some money doing that!" Studied to earn some certifications, took a Temp IT <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" onclick="BLOG_clickHandler(this)">Flunkie</span> job for a few months until I found my job at the company where I still work.<br /><br />Great job. Learned a lot, had a great time, got good. During the past (almost) 5 years, still a great job, continued learning a lot, having a great time, getting good. About 4 years in, my life experiences all ganged up on me to help me realize what I want to do with my life. Soon thereafter, began school full time again to get prerequisites for med school. More about that in another FAQ.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>Q:</strong></span><br />How much wood could a woodchuck chuck...<br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>A:</strong></span><br />Five.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>Q:</strong></span><br />Five what?<br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>A:</strong></span><br />Yes.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>Q: </strong></span><br />What is the meaning of life?<br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>A:</strong></span><br />Flossing. Some may point out the Douglas Adams contention that "The Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything" is 42. Some would do well to remember that <em>The <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" onclick="BLOG_clickHandler(this)"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" onclick="BLOG_clickHandler(this)">Hitchhiker's</span></span> Guide to the Galaxy</em> is fiction, whereas my answer is a lie.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>Q: </strong></span><br />You actually thought people might be amused by this article?<br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>A:</strong></span><br />Look. This is <em>hard work</em>. I'll admit that mistakes have been made. The article I started is not the article we're in now. But we can't just desert these paragraphs. It will simply embolden the unfunny content. The unfunny content doesn't believe we have the stomach to continue. We must <strike>stay the course</strike> follow this new way forward. I understand that some may be skeptical of my decision to deploy more words into this article. Naysayers are <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" onclick="BLOG_clickHandler(this)"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" onclick="BLOG_clickHandler(this)">naysaying</span></span> that it's already a lost cause. I don't believe that. I believe that with more strategically-placed unfunny words, we can have continuing victory in this article. But it's not an open-ended commitment. We're doing our part. This article has to start making itself funny while my words hold its place. Although I won't place an arbitrary, artificial <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">time line</span> for this to occur, which I'm sure will increase the pressure the article is feeling to get real funny in a hurry. To help this funniness emerge, we will take bold...<br /><span style="font-family:courier new;color:#99ff99;">(entry reached length limit and was truncated)</span>Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-83112878972039126202007-01-24T19:23:00.000-06:002007-01-24T21:28:43.983-06:00Great gameI'd like to tell you about a game you've never heard of. (Well, maybe you have. If you have, you are officially cooler than I am—big surprise, huh?) I learned about it last weekend, and I love it.<br /><br />This game is <strong>The Kingdom of Loathing</strong> (<a href="http://www.kingdomofloathing.com/">http://www.kingdomofloathing.com/</a>). If you're an RPG (Role-Playing Game) fan, you'll find this game fun, familiar, and jarring. If you've never played an RPG before, you really want to give this one a try.<br /><br />This KoL is a free, web browser-based, multiplayer RPG with stick-figure graphics that add to its considerable charm. Instead of gold (tritely used in other games), the currency of the Kingdom of Loathing is meat. Yup, meat.<br /><br />If you want to learn more, the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kingdom_of_Loathing">Wikipedia entry</a> actually provides a much better summary than the website itself.<br /><br />I encourage all of you, gamers and non-gamers, to visit this site, create a character, and play the game for a little while. Then, come back and post your game reviews as a comment on this article. All reviewers will be entered into my punctuation raffle. Two winners, drawn at random, will receive an assortment of periods, commas, semicolons, em dashes, and even braces (subject to availability), mostly used in context.<br /><br /><em><span style="font-size:78%;">Raffle is void where prohibited. Please allow 4-6 days for delivery via first-class email. En dashes may be substituted for em dashes if Bill feels like it. The context offer does not apply to braces unless you sign a waiver holding Bill harmless in case of acute pain caused by Perl code samples.</span></em>Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-45777920892441608552007-01-24T19:17:00.000-06:002007-01-24T19:36:06.692-06:00Wednesday Haiku<span style="font-family:courier new;">You come here seeking.<br />Wit? Style? Maybe the profound?<br />Better luck next time.</span>Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-91528835075814363472007-01-23T16:29:00.001-06:002008-05-01T12:23:04.297-06:00C.A.E.: Business<em>Crimes Against English is a semi-occasional feature of Hopelessly Eclectic. I use these posts to shame alleged native English–speakers into stopping the senseless abuse of a language that's just minding its own business, after all. For more information about C.A.E. philosophy, see </em><a href="http://hopelesslyeclectic.blogspot.com/2007/01/crimes-against-english.html"><em>http://hopelesslyeclectic.blogspot.com/2007/01/crimes-against-english.html</em></a><em>.</em><br /><br />Today, I introduce a spin-off of my popular "Crimes Against English" series. It is "C.A.E.: Business"; I have modeled this spin-off to be just like the lucrative CBS <em>C.S.I.</em> franchise—except without the lucre. I hope to release "C.A.E.: Home Decor" soon.<br /><br />Today's episode of C.A.E.: Business is called <span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>Talk Like a Manager</strong></span>. Though the silliness involved is not unique to managers, it is this group that has brought the art of Talking Like a Manager to heretofore unknown pinnacles.<br /><br />The first, and most crucial, step in talking like a manager is to <em>verb</em> whenever possible. Allow me to discourse on this important topic:<br /><br /><br /><blockquote><em>Verbing</em> is a basic requirement for anyone hoping to pursue a career in management. Whether you are <em>tasking</em> a resource with a new opportunity or <em>workshopping</em> a new idea with the executive team, <em>verbing </em>is essential to demonstrate that you can <em>conference</em> with the best of them.</blockquote><br />To verb is to lie in wait for a helpless, perfectly good noun to come along, wrestle it to the ground, and bury your fangs in its delicate part of speech. This allows you to establish yourself as the Alpha Suit, strutting triumphantly as you wipe the verbal gore from your chin. At least, that is what the <em>hunter-verber</em> does. The hunter-verber dazzles simple business serfs with verbing prowess.<br /><br />Most managers (and some non-managers) simply wait around for the leavings of the Alpha Suit's repast: "Did he just say 'you can <em>conference</em> with the best of them'? I'm going to have to verb that too that in my next staff meeting." These shadowy figures are <em>scavenger-verbers</em>, scuttling creatures who spread the language fungus of their second-hand meal throughout the community. Soon, even non-business folk are infected. Eventually, all of the little woodland animals are displaying imitations of the Alpha Suit's plumage. (Well, if the managers say it, it must be Better and More Professional.)<br /><br />Note that verbing is just one small part of establishing oneself as the Alpha Suit. To climb that ladder, you study many other dark arts, including:<br /><ul><li><span style="color: rgb(204, 204, 204);"><strong><em>The gratuitous </em>I<em>:</em></strong> "Yes, I learned that when the CFO was meeting with Tom and I."</span></li><li><span style="color: rgb(204, 204, 204);"><strong><em>The gratuitous </em>myself<em>:</em> </strong>"If you have any questions about the new procedure, please send an email to your supervisor or myself."</span></li><li><span style="color: rgb(204, 204, 204);"><strong><em>Utilizing:</em> </strong>"I had wrist problems too, until I started utilizing an ergonomic mouse."</span></li><li><span style="color: rgb(204, 204, 204);"><em><strong>Other words that mean something totally different than the sense in which they are being used:</strong> </em>"Well, Sydney, I think that sounds like a great idea. Let's socialize that over the next week or so and see what we end up with."</span></li></ul><p>I promise to cover these disparate topics at greater length in a future exciting episode of C.A.E.: Business.</p><p>Not everybody can be the Alpha Suit, but you can seem like the Alpha Suit to your herd if they hear Alpha Suit leftovers from you first, before they hear them from everybody else. For example, let's say you go to a meeting with the Alpha Suits from many large herds, perhaps even the Grand Alpha Suit. You will no doubt hear several carefully-designed phrases that are clever and catchy. The difference between these clever, catchy phrases and, say, a cliché is this:</p><ol><li><span style="color: rgb(204, 204, 204);">A cliché may sound cute and may once have been clever, but it's had all meaning sucked out of it by mindless repetition.</span></li><li><span style="color: rgb(204, 204, 204);">A clever, catchy phrase from an Alpha Suit has had the meaning pre-sucked out of it <em>before</em> the mindless repetition that is about to ensue.</span></li></ol><p>So be on the lookout for a clever, catchy phrase. Remember that you only gain standing in your herd if they hear it from you first.</p><p>And don't neglect your verbing duties.</p>Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-35644993993552064842007-01-22T20:25:00.000-06:002007-01-23T00:42:27.281-06:00Arioso—blogger mediumAmong the eclectica I intend to share with you on Hopelessly Eclectic is a special feature called "Arioso—blogger medium" (big surprise if you read the title).<br /><br />People who know me well might say "Strange, I'd have considered you more of a large than a medium. Well, an XL really." Not <em>that</em> kind of medium, silly. I recently discovered that I have been endowed with technopsychic powers (although some scholars consider them psychotechnic). These powers enable me to channel writers throughout the blogosphere, capturing their unique voices and ripping them off for my very own blog.<br /><br />"Strange," you might say, "I was under the impressions that mediums channel <em>dead</em> people. Can't you only channel dead bloggers?"<br /><br />Aha! One might think that, but I seem to have the gift (and the curse) of being a rare clairvoyant–medium, with the ability to receive and transmit live bloggers on both VHF <em>and</em> UHF, as well as satellite. It truly is a wondrous gift.<br /><br />For those of you who have not sampled widely of the fruits of the blogosphere, there will now be no need. I will bring a great variety of styles and content to you right here on my site. For those of you blog floozies who wander about the Internet, consorting with all kinds of authors who may or may not practice safe hosting... come home. I'll type sweet nothings meant for your monitor alone. Also, my computer is virus–free. Honest. It's a Mac.<br /><br /><em>In today's episode of "Arioso—blogger medium," I will channel Chuck Kempenburg, representing the genre of blogging that may alternately be called "The year–round Christmas letter" or "If I ever blog like this, please impale me on the nearest umbrella immediately." (Medium's note: I cannot be held responsible for spelling, punctuation, grammar, or halitosis contained in a channeled blog.)</em><br /><br />Hello again. It's afternoon now, and I've had a little nap since my last post. We got a call from Eugenia at Yale Technical College. She's made the Dean's List (again). We're just as proud as we can be of her. Art History can be a tough major, and she's really working hard. Her paintings use to be on our refrigerator but now their up in the Druessel Gallery on campus. (Ha!) She's still not sure what she wants to do after college, but we figure it wouldn't hurt to have another couple of senior years. (She hates it when I tell that joke.)<br /><br />Jeanie is still going through the Change, but she's pretty agreeable most of the time anyway. (Ha!) Her job is going good, and she'll probably get that promotion to assistant night shift department manager pretty soon. The assistant night shift department manager right now is getting ready to retire, and Jeanie has the most seniority.<br /><br />The kids were all home for my birthday on Saturday, and did we have a hot time! We were having a lively game of Scat, and Benji (he's a Sophomore at Gerald Milfton Senior High, and at the top of his class in Auto Shop) suggested that we switch to Jenga. I tell you, there was more hootin' and hollerin' than this house has seen in a long time. As usual, Rachel's husband (the socialist) really didn't seem that interested, but I could tell he was having a good time when he took out that yellow brick from the very bottom.<br /><br />Rachel and Karl headed back to Arizona this morning so they could get back in time for Rachel to be on jury duty (the first time in our family!!). It should be interesting. Nobody was killed or anything, but there was something on the news about cruelty to iguanas. Rachel has always been wonderful with animals, so she's very qualified for the trail.<br /><br />Well, I suppose I ought to sign off for now. I've got to get to my urologist appointment by 4. It's nothing bad. Just the usual kind of stuff. I'll see you all later.Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-15175180382214583802007-01-21T20:27:00.000-06:002007-01-21T20:36:31.840-06:00"And we do care..."<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmO19_w1MevdHrrRFI0mczjQeKACKYv1lpFcuf_fnbZCpxtzCegLzIng3cfJUealdq27OAXeqc5vYxVtFEwKjj4UMQeyY-jtXzOH322X5sQb3hCwR7j2fnbN8hpxsQYbEkkMXZxi8cBXc/s1600-h/recorded1.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5022676193241085682" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmO19_w1MevdHrrRFI0mczjQeKACKYv1lpFcuf_fnbZCpxtzCegLzIng3cfJUealdq27OAXeqc5vYxVtFEwKjj4UMQeyY-jtXzOH322X5sQb3hCwR7j2fnbN8hpxsQYbEkkMXZxi8cBXc/s200/recorded1.jpg" border="0" /></a> This sign (photographed in the parking lot of a local grocery store) doesn't have anything wrong with it grammatically. I just found it so emotionally moving that I had to share it with you.<br /><br />Imagine other signs at this location, showing a similar tenderness. "Because of our fondness for you, be prepared for a <strong>body cavity search</strong>!"<br /><br />I'm going to have to get one of these for our house before my son enters his teen years. I'm sure he'll appreciate how much we care.Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-10528330219331997072007-01-20T11:00:00.000-06:002007-01-20T11:07:43.834-06:00Paper or plastic?Due to an occasional lack of creativity or time, I may directly rip off somebody else's funny stuff. Here is a joke I heard the other day, which I found hilarious: <blockquote><p>"What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is made of white plastic and is dangerous to children. The other is a grocery bag."</p></blockquote><p>That joke was from a snippet of comedian Sung Hee Park's routine that I got from the free "Comedy Central: Stand-Up (Video)" podcast. You can get it at <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/comedycentral/standup">http://feeds.feedburner.com/comedycentral/standup</a></p>Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-57079591191136097052007-01-19T00:01:00.001-06:002007-01-19T18:16:29.793-06:00Husband Points, continuedToday's article continues the riveting exposé I began yesterday (<a href="http://hopelesslyeclectic.blogspot.com/2007/01/husband-points.html">Husband Points</a>). You'll remember the first two Tenets of the HP system:<br /><br /><ol><li>You can only lose HP; you can't earn or regain them.</li><li>You have no power to affect the HP system or its machinations.</li></ol><p>This may be a good time to consider an example in real-life context.</p><p>It's Saturday mid-morning, and a work buddy calls to ask if you want to play some racquetball (or basketball, Parcheesi, whatever). "Hey, Honey—Gerald from work wants to hit the Y for some racquetball this morning. Did you have anything planned?" If you've had no recent loss of Husband Points, the response might be something like this: "I had thought I might pick up milk at the store this morning. Could you grab some on your way back?" Amateurs might see this as an opportunity to gain HP by agreeing; those of us who understand the First Tenet know better. Your sweetie is actually presenting you with a hidden opportunity to lose HP—or not; the choice is up to you. If you say yes, you have survived the encounter with no loss of HP; you have simply maintained the <em>status quo</em>. If you say no, you've taken advantage of that stealth HP-loss opportunity. </p><p>Note that successfully navigating this hurdle doesn't mean that your racquetball outing is free from danger of HP loss. If, during the time you're gone, it occurs to your mate that "you know, we could use some olive oil, too. I mentioned it last night during the news; I hope he remembers and picks that up, too." This is what is known as a psychic HP-loss opportunity. But that's an advanced topic. I deal with such tangles in my 5-day seminar.</p><p>Okay, I have another important Tenet for you: the First-and-a-Halfth Tenet of Husband Points. This Tenet states that <em>even if you could earn HP, you could not redeem them for anything</em>. HP are not legal tender. So who cares? If the exchange rate from Husband Points to anything is exactly zero, why keep track of them at all? </p><p>Pay attention now: losing Husband Points subtly erodes the relationship's atmosphere of goodwill, among other things. Those experienced husbands out there know what I mean. Recent loss of HP will color all near-future interactions. The Saturday racquetball scenario above might instead evolve into something like this: "Would it kill you to spend a Saturday morning with me? I thought we could go grocery shopping today, but if you'd rather hang out with some guy from work, that's fine with me." See how unpleasant life becomes in the context of a recent HP loss? In addition, you've lost a bunch <em>more</em> HP just by bringing up the possibility of doing what you want to do.</p><p>Here are a few of the many negative effects of HP loss:</p><ul><li>Goodwill (as you've seen above) goes on hiatus.</li><li>Hobbies you enjoy with friends or by yourself suffer.</li><li>More normal events produce HP-loss opportunities (as above).</li><li>HP-loss for other infractions becomes more dramatic, increasing the affect.</li><li>You may notice an unavailability of... er... <em>affection</em>.</li></ul><p>Again, many optimistically believe that they can actually counter these affects (i.e. <em>gain</em> Husband Points) with thoughtfulness, kind words, and Good Behavior. This is most desperately hoped for in the case of <em>affection</em>. Poor sods. Even in the absence of <em>any</em> HP loss, and in the presence of lots of Good Behavior, the quantity and quality of available <em>affection</em> will be exactly what the affection–bestower desires, so that's not really an increase. In the case of a <em>drop</em> in Husband Points... well, let's not talk about such unpleasant things any further.</p><p>So let's review the First-and-a-Halfth Tenet of the Husband Points system: Husband Points, should you have any left, can't actually be redeemed for anything; they simply exist to be lost.</p><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>What to do</strong></span><br />Now that you understand the HP system, the question remains: how do you maintain the optimal outcome—avoiding HP loss as much of the time as possible?<br /><br />You could fake your own death. While this may result in some initial Husband Point loss, depending on the current level of goodwill, you may actually end up with a positive balance. However, if you start over with a new person, realize that you don't automatically get the full Husband Point allotment to begin with. You aren't even guaranteed your previous HP balance. In general, your HP balance will be the same as the last guy with whom your mate was associated. Even if you come in with a high balance, your sweetie will quickly assess your HP suitability and may make a series of large debits to your account.<br /><br />Another possible solution is to visit your local neighborhood cybernetics expert and attempt to become a Stepford Husband (yes, I <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Stepford_Wives">stole the idea</a>). While becoming an entirely submissive automaton may seem appealing, it also means that you would probably cease to get much enjoyment out of the things that loss of HP makes inaccessible. So I'd call that choice a wash.<br /><br />Okay, confession time... that's really all I have. I've got nothing else. Really. I have not yet learned the secret of avoiding mild or catastrophic Husband Point loss, except for the faking-your-death or android routes. My only hope is that readers will deluge this site with their suggestions, experiences, and techniques in avoiding HP loss.<br /><br />So... for me and for humanity, contribute to this cause by sharing your ideas. With your help, I hope to write a book and perhaps win the Nobel Prize in... well, something.<br /><br />Thank you for your support.Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-37854843818997791482007-01-18T23:58:00.000-06:002007-01-19T00:00:49.932-06:00Husband Points<div style="FLOAT: left"><center><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb-jEF-akKpHUoLvLOu2csIbVGF8vhzDOhl_8SAqvwrw6HC2W89ND7KbvgDKRwFI7K90ZSweT5Z1fENRjsjiuIImfWjOY5xkAtlIxXkzqZbSRu30YuStOSHRC1-FkKo448gJCRAC2ThdM/s1600-h/mom_micah.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5021428582551008994" style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: auto; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb-jEF-akKpHUoLvLOu2csIbVGF8vhzDOhl_8SAqvwrw6HC2W89ND7KbvgDKRwFI7K90ZSweT5Z1fENRjsjiuIImfWjOY5xkAtlIxXkzqZbSRu30YuStOSHRC1-FkKo448gJCRAC2ThdM/s400/mom_micah.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">Exhibits A and B</span></center></div><p>Some of you may not know that I am an experienced husband. I've been married for 10 years to my wonderful and caring wife Kristin. We have an amazing three-year-old son Micah, about whom I promise to blather extensively in another biographical post. I could talk at Homeric length about my brilliant and charming son, but I'll refrain for the moment.<br /><br />Today, I hope to provide awareness for those of lesser experience (or perhaps insight)... an awareness of the crucial issue of <strong>Husband Points </strong>(hereafter referred to as HP, but not to be confused with Hit Points; if you're likely to confuse HP with Hit Points, you may be too entrenched in the world of Role-Playing Games. Put on your +2 Elven Non-Geek Helmet and join the rest of society for the duration of the post.)</p><p><em>Please note that the conceptual framework for Husband Points exists whether you are married or not. If you like, you can translate HP to BP (boyfriend points, or an equivalent if you're currently in prison).</em></p><p><strong>The First Tenet of Husband Points</strong> is that <em>you</em> <em>cannot under any circumstances earn HP.</em> "That's ridiculous!" you may say, "what purpose do points have if you don't get any?" More about that soon, but this leads us directly to the <strong>Second Tenet of HP:</strong> <em>your opinion about the HP system doesn't matter. It came not into being to serve husbands, but to serve our <span style="TEXT-DECORATION: line-through">nemeses</span> <span style="TEXT-DECORATION: line-through">opponents</span> <span style="TEXT-DECORATION: line-through">tormentors</span> soul-mates.</em></p><p>Coming to terms with the Second Tenet is crucial. Only when you have accepted the inevitability can you learn to live with it and minimize the damage.</p><p>Back to the First Tenet... Husband Points may never be earned—only lost. The key to survival under the HP system is to keep from hemorrhaging HPs unnecessarily. To do this, we must study those things that cause us to lose HPs. In short, anything that causes your mate displeasure has the potential to tear away Husband Points like a turkey vulture perched on fresh roadkill.</p><p>Carefully note that I did not say that "behaving in a way that causes your mate displeasure" loses you points. If your beloved even <em>thinks</em> you behaved poorly, you lose Husband Points. If she later changes her mind and decides that you behaved reasonably, refer to the First Tenet—you're never getting those points back.</p><p>To help you on your way, examine the following circumstances and decide which circumstances are likely to cause a loss of HPs:</p><ul><li>You inadvertently call your wife by any other female's name.</li><li>Your mate sees you ogling another woman, poster, or electronic device.</li><li>Your spouse sees another woman, poster, or electronic device and thinks you were likely leering.</li><li>She sees another woman, poster, or electronic device that she thinks you would likely find attractive, had you seen it.</li><li>Your mate wife is angry because you moved her keys; later, she remembers <em>she</em> had actually moved the keys.</li><li>Your spouse <em>dreams</em> that you moved her keys.</li><li>Your spouse dreams that she lost her keys and that you were not home to help her find them.</li><li>Your mate remembers a time when you moved her keys and she couldn't find them.</li><li>Your love considers the possibility that you might at some time in the future inconsiderately move her keys.</li></ul><p>If you said that <em>all</em> of the above constitute sufficient reason to lose Husband Points, you are correct. Because many of the HP loss opportunities will be beyond your control, it is imperative that you avoid those Bad Behavior options that are under your control, such as blogging about your loving spouse.</p><p>Astute readers will have reasoned that with so many opportunities to lose HP, and no opportunities to gain any, you will eventually lose all of your HP. What happens then? Husband Point debt. This is a very bad situation, as the interest is very heavy. Astute readers (sometimes also called depressed people) will have by now deduced that most husbands spend most of their life in HP debt. Have I mentioned how important it is to stop the bleeding?</p><p>If everything seems so hopeless and skewed against us, why even try to avoid loss of Husband Points? Tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion, when we will learn about the effects of HP loss on our lives and what we can do to combat them.</p>Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-755731848874934398.post-82403158852445307812007-01-18T09:00:00.000-06:002007-01-18T10:58:01.826-06:00Talk amongst yourselvesMany thanks to <a href="http://www.blogger.com/profile/6009465" rel="nofollow">Asaraludu</a> (try saying that five times fast) and Greg for contributing to the betterment of this blog and the world by posting comments. Just a reminder, you aren't required to register or sign into anything to comment on a post, and you will gain notoriety (or notoriousness) among the many readers of this forum (well, about 20 since I started last week, according to my stats package).<br /><br />If you find this space at least mildly interesting, please pass the word to friends at work, home, church, coven meetings, etc.<br /><br />And now, let's hear about the fabulous prizes that Asaraludu and Greg will win for having shared their thoughts.*<br /><br /><ul><li>An all expenses-paid trip to your nearest restroom, whenever you need it—unlimited visits!</li><li>The gratification of knowing that you are a person of uncommon quality</li><li>One Perl shell script of your choice (subject to availability)</li><li>Three dollars has been donated on behalf of each of you to the Bill Wants Some Pepsi fund.</li></ul><p>By the way... tune in later today (okay, maybe much later) for an important discussion of Husband Points.</p><p><span style="font-size:78%;">*All prizes and gifts are <a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/incorporeal">incorporeal</a>.</span></p>Ariosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17789388127831508708noreply@blogger.com3