C.A.E.: Business

Crimes Against English is a semi-occasional feature of Hopelessly Eclectic. I use these posts to shame alleged native English–speakers into stopping the senseless abuse of a language that's just minding its own business, after all. For more information about C.A.E. philosophy, see http://hopelesslyeclectic.blogspot.com/2007/01/crimes-against-english.html.

In today's issue, we continue the riveting discussion about Talking Like a Manager. As described in our last installment, verbing is your most important tool to become, well, a tool. Skilling up for verbing takes time, though. (Smooth, huh? I dare you to try it out in your next staff meeting.) In the meantime, the average guy or gal seeking to become the Alpha Suit shouldn't be standing still. Enter the gratuitous reflexive.

You remember the reflexive form from junior high English, right. You use "self" with the appropriate pronoun because you are doing something to or about yourself. (Or somebody is doing something to or about him/herself.) For example:

I have nobody to blame but myself for getting myself in trouble when I recommended to my teacher that she go perform an impossible act on herself.

Pretty straightforward, right? Sure, if you're not Management Material. If you want to fast-track yourself to Alpha Suithood, you really need to flout the rules of English. You can appear more refined and important if you gratuitously tack "self" onto random first-person pronouns. Like so:

Please familiarize yourselves with the proposed new policies. I'd like to socialize the changes before productioning them. If you should have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask Raymondo or myself.

I know I used a lot of advanced techniques in that last example. You may not be ready to integrate them into your Alpha Suit skill track yet, but I believe that immersion is the best way to learn.

In any case, note the gratuitous use of "myself," when non-Alpha Suit types would stick with the technically-correct "me." (Yes, I know that nobody can ask myself or do anything else to myself except me, but we're talking about business actualization, not grammar.)

Note that nobody but an actual Alpha Suit could get away with the following without inspiring quizzical looks and/or eye rolls:

This report was prepared by myself over the past months.

Don't try it unless you're an Alpha Suit... even if you hear an Alpha Suit say it. It is much too powerful magic for Lesser Suits. Your use of the gratuitous reflexive needs to be more subtle, usually dragging in at least one other person for camouflage. But fear not—through careful planning, you too can use this highly effective tool. Here are some examples to send you on your way. Happy selfing:

Everybody but Tami and myself were made aware of the changes to this policy. Can you help me understand why I wasn't looped on this?

I'm not convinced this project would have gone forward, had anybody but myself been the lead.

Myself, I wouldn't have made that choice.

When somebody has a chance, could you fill in Pierre and myself?

The meeting was run by the lead team and myself.

Q: Who built that web page? A: Actually, myself.

C.A.E.: Business

Crimes Against English is a semi-occasional feature of Hopelessly Eclectic. I use these posts to shame alleged native English–speakers into stopping the senseless abuse of a language that's just minding its own business, after all. For more information about C.A.E. philosophy, see http://hopelesslyeclectic.blogspot.com/2007/01/crimes-against-english.html.

Today, I introduce a spin-off of my popular "Crimes Against English" series. It is "C.A.E.: Business"; I have modeled this spin-off to be just like the lucrative CBS C.S.I. franchise—except without the lucre. I hope to release "C.A.E.: Home Decor" soon.

Today's episode of C.A.E.: Business is called Talk Like a Manager. Though the silliness involved is not unique to managers, it is this group that has brought the art of Talking Like a Manager to heretofore unknown pinnacles.

The first, and most crucial, step in talking like a manager is to verb whenever possible. Allow me to discourse on this important topic:

Verbing is a basic requirement for anyone hoping to pursue a career in management. Whether you are tasking a resource with a new opportunity or workshopping a new idea with the executive team, verbing is essential to demonstrate that you can conference with the best of them.

To verb is to lie in wait for a helpless, perfectly good noun to come along, wrestle it to the ground, and bury your fangs in its delicate part of speech. This allows you to establish yourself as the Alpha Suit, strutting triumphantly as you wipe the verbal gore from your chin. At least, that is what the hunter-verber does. The hunter-verber dazzles simple business serfs with verbing prowess.

Most managers (and some non-managers) simply wait around for the leavings of the Alpha Suit's repast: "Did he just say 'you can conference with the best of them'? I'm going to have to verb that too that in my next staff meeting." These shadowy figures are scavenger-verbers, scuttling creatures who spread the language fungus of their second-hand meal throughout the community. Soon, even non-business folk are infected. Eventually, all of the little woodland animals are displaying imitations of the Alpha Suit's plumage. (Well, if the managers say it, it must be Better and More Professional.)

Note that verbing is just one small part of establishing oneself as the Alpha Suit. To climb that ladder, you study many other dark arts, including:

• The gratuitous I: "Yes, I learned that when the CFO was meeting with Tom and I."
• The gratuitous myself: "If you have any questions about the new procedure, please send an email to your supervisor or myself."
• Utilizing: "I had wrist problems too, until I started utilizing an ergonomic mouse."
• Other words that mean something totally different than the sense in which they are being used: "Well, Sydney, I think that sounds like a great idea. Let's socialize that over the next week or so and see what we end up with."

I promise to cover these disparate topics at greater length in a future exciting episode of C.A.E.: Business.

Not everybody can be the Alpha Suit, but you can seem like the Alpha Suit to your herd if they hear Alpha Suit leftovers from you first, before they hear them from everybody else. For example, let's say you go to a meeting with the Alpha Suits from many large herds, perhaps even the Grand Alpha Suit. You will no doubt hear several carefully-designed phrases that are clever and catchy. The difference between these clever, catchy phrases and, say, a cliché is this:

1. A cliché may sound cute and may once have been clever, but it's had all meaning sucked out of it by mindless repetition.
2. A clever, catchy phrase from an Alpha Suit has had the meaning pre-sucked out of it before the mindless repetition that is about to ensue.

So be on the lookout for a clever, catchy phrase. Remember that you only gain standing in your herd if they hear it from you first.

And don't neglect your verbing duties.

C.A.E. - Drop the apostrophes and come out with your hands up!

Crimes Against English is a semi-occasional feature of Hopelessly Eclectic. I use these posts to shame alleged native English–speakers into stopping the senseless abuse of a language that's just minding its own business, after all. For more information about C.A.E. philosophy, see http://hopelesslyeclectic.blogspot.com/2007/01/crimes-against-english.html.

Okay, so I got this nasty example from the same video store that advised me "your on camera." Apparently, cruelty to spelling wasn't enough. Apostrophe abuse is required, too.

So here's a little hint:

You never need an apostrophe to talk about more than one of something!

I really have to wonder about the thought process of this video store employee: "Hmm, what's the rule? If it's 3 or fewer, I don't use an apostrophe. If it's 4 or more, I do use an apostrophe." Or perhaps he/she was relying on the age-old real estate adage "punctuation, punctuation, punctuation."

For that matter, what's the deal with the quotes around the number 4?? Picture the 16-year-old with the eyebrow piercing behind the counter: "Okay, you get like (air quotes) four things of popcorn, right?" Does that mean it's approximately four bags? Is 4 a euphemism for something else? "Well, we're supposed to tell you that you get 4 bags, but it's really three bags and a sack."

Okay, here is the language lesson for today:

Plural: When you've got more than one of something, just add s or es.

"I see that you have one bag, Ted. You're such a loser. I, on the other hand, have four delicious bags of popcorn."

Possessive: Describing ownership

"That bag's bottom is completely soaked with buttery topping substitute. If we can get Dylan to hold it in his lap on the car ride home, it'll be totally hilarious."

Contractions: Because it's just too much effort to say "that bag is."

"That bag's only the 'venti' size. Gimme the 'heart attack' instead."

Except: "It is" is contracted to "it's," and something owned by it is "its."

"I think it's cool you chose a radioactive porcupine as a pet. Its little quills give off such a nice glow."

And lay off the quotes! Quotation marks show people what somebody said; they don't give extra emphasis to anything. Underline or bold or something if you must!

It's just like my mother always said, "You'll never amount to anything." And I'm proud to say that I haven't.

So there.

Crimes against English

Many loud-type people concern themselves with activizing about trivial matters such as The Environment or The Sanctity of Marriage or Paper or Plastic. Among the topics that I plan to discuss semi-occasionally in this blog, the tragic abuse of English grammar and punctuation will play a major role. Or it might play a significant role. Or I might forget about it sometimes.

Anyway, ever since I was born at an early age, I have been outraged (well, really annoyed) by the heartless torture and cruelty inflicted on our poor language. As a public service, and for my amusement, and for your amusement, I will be exposing mistreatment of English. If you are an offender, I will help you to mend your ways.

By the way, I won't be featuring errors by those for whom English is a second (or more often third or fourth) language. The translation flubs of companies are already well-documented at the hilarious Engrish website. But if you are just somebody who has taken the trouble to learn more than one language, you're entitled to a few mistakes in the only one most Americans know.
Note: Crimes against English will feature photos taken on an old, crummy digital camera by a poor photographer, often in lousy lighting. You may interpret this as visual parallelism befitting the poor language skills demonstrated if you like. Or not.

This photo was taken at a national-chain video store. If you are unfamiliar with the correct usage your and you're, consult these easy-to-understand descriptions and examples, which I have attempted to tailor to those people who most need them.

The word your always describes something "you" own.

Your

"Hey Clem, is that your new pickup? Them naked lady mud flaps is real classy!"

The word you're, in contrast, is a contraction of the words you and are.

You're

"The word you're, in contrast, is a contraction of the words you and are."

See how easy it is to avoid the kind of heinous attacks on human language that threaten to tear apart the fabric of our very society? Together, we can right the wrongs perpetrated against English by People Who Should Know Better. Alternatively, we can roll our eyes, giggle at them, and feel superior in a nerdy sort of way.