Drive the Hopelessly Eclectic way

Though I like to joke around in this space, I don't want people to think that I'm unaware of the Important Issues of the Day. So today, I will try to offer some solutions to a problem that vexes many today: the plight of suburban assault vehicle (SAV) driver.

When I took my son to preschool today, I was saddened to see a young mom trying in vain to drop off her two young children. What was the problem? She was very sensibly driving the kind of mammoth vehicle that is usually accompanied by the sound of mortar explosions and close-air support from A-10 Warthogs and attack helicopters. Because you never know when the orange-clad sixth-grade crossing guard may in fact turn out to be an insurgent. Clearly, this mom had her priorities in order, but my kid's school is woefully short of parking spaces larger than a city block.

As the soccer-mom is replaced by the combat mom (or the gilded quad-cab mondo-super-duty pickup mom), where will all of these folks park their SAVs before they go back home or traverse the rugged terrain to the nail salon?

I have the solution: The Hopelessly Eclectic Extreme Car Makeover. The key to remember is that the defining feature of these vehicles is not actually the size. Size is just one way to broadcast obscene wealth, contempt for the environment, and supreme ugliness. Our squadron of talented artisan car detailers will apply just the right paint job to lend a poorly-proportioned, ungainly look to the BMW, Infiniti, or Mini Cooper of your choice. What's more, we will encrust the exterior with precious stones, $100 bills, and civet cat coffee beans to let the world know just how much spare cash you have lying around.

"The vulgar ostentation is great," you may say, "but driving something I can actually park somewhere will rob me of the opportunity to burn up the entire output of an OPEC country during a typical month. How will I help us to keep up with China in pollutant production and singlehandedly add 45 cents to the cost of every barrel of oil?" We've got you covered. Through our Adopt-A-Barrel program, you can purchase fossil fuels by the barrel (currently $116 each). Why wait for it to be refined, when we can burn it for you on our own facility with no pesky catalytic converter to keep the good stuff to ourselves? For a modest annual fee, we'll even knock down the rainforest of your choice.

The downside, of course, will be the inability of your new car to crush, mutilate, spindle, and smithereen other cars (and their drivers), should you get into an accident. I admit that we don't have a solution for that. Even great ideas have their tradeoffs. But consider a final advantage as a consolation prize: you can probably only fit one or two SAVs into the attached hangar at your house right now. By pimping out the Hopelessly Eclectic way, you'll have room to stockpile a whole fleet of rides that show the real you. Happy driving!