Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Drive the Hopelessly Eclectic way

Though I like to joke around in this space, I don't want people to think that I'm unaware of the Important Issues of the Day. So today, I will try to offer some solutions to a problem that vexes many today: the plight of suburban assault vehicle (SAV) driver.

When I took my son to preschool today, I was saddened to see a young mom trying in vain to drop off her two young children. What was the problem? She was very sensibly driving the kind of mammoth vehicle that is usually accompanied by the sound of mortar explosions and close-air support from A-10 Warthogs and attack helicopters. Because you never know when the orange-clad sixth-grade crossing guard may in fact turn out to be an insurgent. Clearly, this mom had her priorities in order, but my kid's school is woefully short of parking spaces larger than a city block.

As the soccer-mom is replaced by the combat mom (or the gilded quad-cab mondo-super-duty pickup mom), where will all of these folks park their SAVs before they go back home or traverse the rugged terrain to the nail salon?

I have the solution: The Hopelessly Eclectic Extreme Car Makeover. The key to remember is that the defining feature of these vehicles is not actually the size. Size is just one way to broadcast obscene wealth, contempt for the environment, and supreme ugliness. Our squadron of talented artisan car detailers will apply just the right paint job to lend a poorly-proportioned, ungainly look to the BMW, Infiniti, or Mini Cooper of your choice. What's more, we will encrust the exterior with precious stones, $100 bills, and civet cat coffee beans to let the world know just how much spare cash you have lying around.

"The vulgar ostentation is great," you may say, "but driving something I can actually park somewhere will rob me of the opportunity to burn up the entire output of an OPEC country during a typical month. How will I help us to keep up with China in pollutant production and singlehandedly add 45 cents to the cost of every barrel of oil?" We've got you covered. Through our Adopt-A-Barrel program, you can purchase fossil fuels by the barrel (currently $116 each). Why wait for it to be refined, when we can burn it for you on our own facility with no pesky catalytic converter to keep the good stuff to ourselves? For a modest annual fee, we'll even knock down the rainforest of your choice.

The downside, of course, will be the inability of your new car to crush, mutilate, spindle, and smithereen other cars (and their drivers), should you get into an accident. I admit that we don't have a solution for that. Even great ideas have their tradeoffs. But consider a final advantage as a consolation prize: you can probably only fit one or two SAVs into the attached hangar at your house right now. By pimping out the Hopelessly Eclectic way, you'll have room to stockpile a whole fleet of rides that show the real you. Happy driving!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Crimes Against English; we're baaaaack!

Crimes Against English is a semi-occasional feature of Hopelessly Eclectic. I use these posts to shame alleged native English–speakers into stopping the senseless abuse of a language that's just minding its own business, after all. For more information about C.A.E. philosophy, see http://hopelesslyeclectic.blogspot.com/2007/01/crimes-against-english.html.

CAE operatives come in many varieties. I invite you to visit The Chronicles of George to see the fine work of one such defender of the language's virtue. Many of my friends from the IT world are already familiar with this site, which recounts one man's experiences with a tech-support guy whose "grasp on the written word is shakier than a canoe full of epileptics." Enjoy.


Monday, April 28, 2008

But I digress...

Since the kindling of politics has lit a fire under me again literarily, (wow, does that metaphor totally not work!) I need to find a new home for such things. To avoid the risk of de-eclectifying this column, I'm moving all (most) things political to "Be nice to America...". I'll keep populating this space with... well... whatever it is that's here. Really, I will!

McCain: The conversion is complete

Well, it's happened. The Church of Rove has finally baptized its most resistant candidate for conversion. So much attention has been given to Obama's embarrassing clergy connections of late that the press has completely missed the story of the real epiphany. Under the benevolent eye of Pope George the Dubya, John McCain has been born again. The miracle became most evident in recent days, when Brother John recanted his heresy and declared potential presidential rival Barack Obama "out of touch" and "insensitive" to the plight of poor people because he doesn't support extending the Bush tax cuts that he earlier decried because they help rich people instead of poor people. Under a President McCain, the nation's neediest will be able to sell their boats, their rental properties, and their stocks without such a big tax penalty. Can I get an 'Amen!'?

The Spirit must really be moving when the ex-foe of irresponsible spending can't give away enough of the operating capital that runs the country. In addition to permanizing Bush's whole raft of tax bonanzas to the wealthy, Brother John wants to give everybody a couple of dollars back on every tank of gas. It'll be a real savings for the impoverished when they are filling up their Hummers and Escalades. Where's the money coming from? Who cares?! Let me hear a 'Haleluia!'

But Sinner-John's apostasy was never just about the economy. In February of 2000, the blasphemy rang out loud and clear: people who used a thin veneer of dogma and piety to justify hate, bigotry, and self-interest were called "agents of intolerance" by this intractable scoundrel. But never fear. Since the Straight Talk Express 2.0 left the station, McCain's reawakening has become evident. He has made speeches at Bob Jones and Liberty Universities. He even told the tempter Russert in April of 2006 that he no longer believed Jerry Falwell to be such an agent. Testify!

Evidence that the Spirit has descended on McCain continues on and on. McCain has abandoned comprehensive immigration reform, now saying that nothing else can be done until the border is 'secured' (that is until we've built a big wall, complete with razor wire, around the entire country and deported every last illegal). Campaign finance reform? You betcha'. Oh he's using the public financing system for his campaign (What are you crazy?! He could never out-raise that Obama character!). But it works better that way. He can use his paltry funds for 'respectful debate' such as "Hamas wants Obama; so vote your fears!" In the meantime, the RNC can spend unlimited amounts of money on 'issue ads' that question Obama's patriotism, religion, national origin, and whether he murders cute little kitties just for fun.

In another promising sign, McCain has exploited a loophole in his own former vice of campaign finance reform and has taken to flying around in private jet of his wife's company for much less than the going charter rate. Well, it's legal (because his wife owns the jet... even though they have separate finances and she isn't helping the campaign in the teeniest way), but it does stick its thumb in the eye of the spirit of finance reform. Praise be!

At least Brother John has never wavered in his support of the Holy War in Iraq. He truly understands that the War on Terror is the only Way we can remain in power in perpetuity. Indeed, he has even taught Pope George a thing or two. "Stay the course" seems awfully wimpy next to "Heck... send 'em all in!" The wise expenditure of pretty much all of our military resources gives new meaning to the taunts of North Korea and Iran when they say "You and whose army?!"

Brother John's political foes pounce on his willingness to stay for 100 years, when everybody knows that he meant it was okay to stay for 100 years as long as people aren't being killed over there like they are now. (No word yet on when our continuing success in Iraq will yield people not getting killed there so the 100 years can commence. But I digress from my homiletic thread....) Where was I? Oh yes... Mazal Tov! Oops, sorry. I forgot that the Church of Rove digs Jews in a political sense only. Lost my head.

So anyway, take heart, Brothers and Sisters. That evil thorn in our side—who fancied himself a Maverick—is now a gelding. We are free once again to continue with the ritual sacrifice of those without trust funds on the altar of captiali democracy. Please turn in your hymnals to the Service of Rapturous Adoration of the Flag. Let's sing together "You're Either For Us or an Elitist."

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Clinton's Big Win

*sigh*

  • Anatole Koletsky of the Times of London today declares "The Democrats must admit it: Obama would lose to McCain."
  • Clinton demands to know "Why can't Obama close the deal?"
  • Blah, blah blah
Okay, I was going to put a whole bunch of quotes up there, but I couldn't put up with the tripe anymore. Here's what happened on Tuesday:

  1. Obama tried really, really hard to win in a reliably blue state whose elderly and Catholic voters just love the heck out of Hillary.
  2. He closed a 26-point gap to about 10 points.
  3. And yup, he didn't win.
Well, duh. It would be super terrific for his campaign if he had, but the Clinton brand won. Let me say it again: a state whose demographics overwhelmingly, crushingly tilted the state in HRC's favor went to HRC on Tuesday. And I repeat: well duh.

Yes, the blue hairs and the blue collars love Bill Clinton, who regularly says "Vote for me" while stumping (ostensibly) for his wife. He really does. But 73 paragraphs earlier, he's sure to say "This is what Hillary says...." Despite Bill's best efforts to be obnoxious, many of the truest, bluest Democrats want to see if they can get back some more of what was so much better than the last eight years.

Aside from the fact that 1) Hillary wasn't running the country then, and 2) Bill won't be running the country if she wins, there are lots of other reasons to laugh so hard that you cough up blood when you listen to all of the "this proves that only Hillary can win" crowd. Everybody come along with me on this astounding foray into logic vacuum:

"Obama can't beat Hillary in Pennsylvania" = "Obama can't beat McCain in Pennsylvania"

So, by the commutative property (or whatever. I was a music major.):

"McCain" = "Hillary'

Is anybody with me here? Yes, approximately half of Democrats like her better than him. And many of them like her much, much better than him and are really angry that she's not winning.

But to suggest that Obama can't win because he can't take away a state that was tailor-made for her is just silly. Would everybody agree that North Carolina is similarly a strong demographic for Obama? The RCP average of the most recent (but still really old) polls in North Carolina have Obama ahead by 15.5 points. So between now and the North Carolina primary, does anybody believe that Clinton will narrow the gap? If she did, it might be almost as impressive as what Obama did in Pennsylvania. But she won't. Where Obama has the ability to chip away at leads that she gets by dint of political inertia, Obama tends to solidify and capitalize on the demographics that he gets as freebies.

Clinton/Wolfson/Penn/Ickes have been bemoaning the amount by which they've been outspent in Penn. Hee hee. Why not just take out an ad saying "My opponent can raise more capital and out-advertise me. Just imagine what he can do in a race against an opponent with a lethargic base who is suspicious of their candidate!"

Seems like the Clinton camp is praising Obama with faint damns. Anyway, I'll be waiting to see Hillary come out on top in North Carolina. After all, I heard that she'd raised $2.5mil within microseconds of being declared the winner in Pennsylvania. Well shucks, with all of that money, if she can't close the deal in NC, I'll be wondering what's going on.