Thursday, May 8, 2008

Can somebody explain Marmaduke to me?

Okay, I really need your help. I've been tormented for years by a question. I need to find someone, anyone who actually enjoys Marmaduke and why. Professional journalist types might, at this point, go on to say something like, "for those who are not familiar with it, Marmaduke is a classic comic strip featuring a great Dane blah, blah, blah." But I, not being a professional journalist type, know that every English-speaking organism on the planet knows about this hideous strip. I have never read, seen, heard of, or walked by a newspaper that does not have this awful blemish on the history of illustrated humor. What's more, it's often at the very top of the funnies page. Nothing like opening with your best material!

My disgust with this horrible excuse for funny is aptly summed up by Joe Mathlete, who has created the "Marmaduke Explained" blog (not linking there, as it's not entirely family-friendly, but still reeely funny). According to Joe, Marmaduke consists of four alternating jokes: "Marmaduke is big, Marmaduke is [a jerk], Marmaduke thinks he's people, and the occasional inexplicable bit of 'phantom humor.'" Joe gives examples of 'phantom humor' on his site, but it's essentially a random thing that apparently occurred to the cartoonist as being funny, but is in no way related to the strip or its characters.

At no time have I ever found this strip funny. I generally understand which of the four jokes the cartoonist is telling on any given day, but none of them have made me so much as smile. On comics.com, Marmaduke is categorized under Ages 30-50, Family, and Pets. I am between ages thirty and fifty, I have a family, and I have had pets. Nothing. And I have never met anybody in any of those categories who actually finds the strip funny.

Don't get me wrong... I hate other comics with four or fewer jokes, too. The Family Circus only has three jokes: the dotted line schtick, the Not Me/Ida Know deal, and one-of-the-kids-says-something-precious old saw. There are also several things that occur that are not really jokes (like grandpa looking down from heaven or grandma delivering a Sunday School lesson theme). I guess they're supposed to warm the cockles of my heart instead. Keep away from my cockles please, Bil. And that's the other thing: "Bil." Good grief (to quote Charles Schultz)! I'm going to start spelling my name with a silent Q just to be unique.

Even so, I can still actually see why some people enjoy The Family Circus. The Dennis-the-Menace-on-Prozac effect may actually be appealing to some. Not me, but some. I tend to think that it grossly overshoots "cute" and hits "cutesy" most of the time. And yes, I'm a parent, so I'm equipped to get the jokes. It might be funny if my kid said it, but it's not if he pretends his kids did. And the reliance on three jokes gets tiresome after a decade or two, too.

Even so, The Family Circus seems to have the wit and edge of Non Sequitur and The Far Side along with the sardonic quality of Agnes, compared to my arch-nemesis Marmaduke. The lack of actual funny, along with the visual appeal of Zippy the Pinhead, make for a comic strip slightly less enticing than the art of Get Fuzzy with the dialog of Rex Morgan, MD. It never deserved to share the same page with the sacred Calvin and Hobbes (may it rest in peace) or the niche but hilarious Dilbert. How does it end up in every newspaper in history? I have to think that there's some Haliburton-style government contract involved.

So back to my plea. I have to find somebody who actually likes Marmaduke so that they can be reported to medical science and studied. Please reply via comment to this post with any information you can share. The world waits.

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