FAQ: Me

I thought now might be an ideal time to begin leaking personal information about myself to the press, in preparation for the announcement about my presidential exploratory committee. So please enjoy the following FAQ (Fictitiously Asked Questions):

Q:
So how does a guy with two music degrees end up being an Operating Systems Analyst?
A:
The first section (about 50 measures or so) goes along about like everybody expects it to. Suddenly, there's a caesura, followed by a frantic 10-measure transitional section marked by discord and tremolo. This section is marked in the score as "lifelong hobby becomes new job." The transition ends rather painlessly, but leads to an entirely new key. Another 50 measures later, dramatic music signals the beginning of another (however much more gradual) transition. This work is as yet unfinished.

Q:
Huh?
A:
Always loved music, theater, and computers/technology. Went to school with majors in Music Education and Theater. Dropped theater a couple of years in, because I had to graduate eventually. Married my sweetie. Graduated a semester later with a Bachelors of Music Education. Substitute taught for the rest of the school year in the Sioux Falls, SD public schools. Got a graduate assistantship and went back to school for another year and a summer. Graduated with a Masters in voice performance.

Moved to Jewell, IA to teach middle school and high school vocal music there. After three years there, moved to Des Moines to take a great high-school vocal job at Lincoln High School. After that year, realized that teaching music was not my vocation. The following occurred to me: "Hey, I love computers, too. I bet I could make some money doing that!" Studied to earn some certifications, took a Temp IT Flunkie job for a few months until I found my job at the company where I still work.

Great job. Learned a lot, had a great time, got good. During the past (almost) 5 years, still a great job, continued learning a lot, having a great time, getting good. About 4 years in, my life experiences all ganged up on me to help me realize what I want to do with my life. Soon thereafter, began school full time again to get prerequisites for med school. More about that in another FAQ.

Q:
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck...
A:
Five.


Q:
Five what?
A:
Yes.


Q:
What is the meaning of life?
A:
Flossing. Some may point out the Douglas Adams contention that "The Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything" is 42. Some would do well to remember that The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is fiction, whereas my answer is a lie.


Q:
You actually thought people might be amused by this article?
A:
Look. This is hard work. I'll admit that mistakes have been made. The article I started is not the article we're in now. But we can't just desert these paragraphs. It will simply embolden the unfunny content. The unfunny content doesn't believe we have the stomach to continue. We must stay the course follow this new way forward. I understand that some may be skeptical of my decision to deploy more words into this article. Naysayers are naysaying that it's already a lost cause. I don't believe that. I believe that with more strategically-placed unfunny words, we can have continuing victory in this article. But it's not an open-ended commitment. We're doing our part. This article has to start making itself funny while my words hold its place. Although I won't place an arbitrary, artificial time line for this to occur, which I'm sure will increase the pressure the article is feeling to get real funny in a hurry. To help this funniness emerge, we will take bold...
(entry reached length limit and was truncated)

Stay the Course 2.0

Yesterday, I explored some prospects available to those considering careers in insanity. As I read over my musings, I see now that I may have left you with an erroneous impression—that the only occupation for the unbalanced is the act of being cracked itself.

In addition to the challenges and rewards of actually being crazy, a résumé steeped in insanity can also act as a springboard to notoriety in other fields. For example, craziness could be just the advantage to rocket you to a career as an actor in action movies. With training and diligence, you could develop what is known as "talk show versatility," alternating between jumping gleefully on couches and pistol-whipping hosts while channeling L. Ron Hubbard.

Too tame for you? You may have noticed that crazy people are often put in charge of countries. Nuts are regularly installed in countries like Venezuela, Iran, and North Korea, among many others. As the insane leader of a Foreign Country, you could enjoy such perks as believing that big hair fools your followers into thinking that you're tall. Also, some despots get to name months and things after themselves, such as in "I have to remember to pay my car insurance before we leave for vacation; it's due on Bill Bensen 15th."

On the other hand, Foreign Countries are often far away or otherwise inconvenient because of economic or military instability. Also, people in other countries frequently speak languages that are Not English. It's very hard to learn to speak Not English.

Don't worry, though. Crazy people can also have a political future in the United States, where Not English is the national anti-language. Moreover, the "tall hair makes me impressive" benefit applies here too, but is mostly confined to loud reverend-types and politicians who hurl personal electronics at security workers. In a further development in insanity yesterday, the Honorable George W. Bush, president of the United States, introduced a New Plan for the war in Iraq. You may be interested in learning how the New Plan is different from the Old Plan. For your convenience, I have compiled the following list from extensive research of my own thinking.


As you can see, this represents a major shift in US policy. Astute military types will note that the above extensive table deals only with tactics—what you actually do based on your strategy and your opponent's choices. Another important military concept is that of strategy—planning of what you're going to do before you do it. Please see the below table for a summary of strategy... before and after.


In summary, this is clearly a New Plan, in the same way that looking into a fun house stretchy mirror thing causes you to lose weight. Though many cut-and-run-aid-and-comfort-to-the-enemy-pinko-liberals fail to see the prudence of the New Plan, its chances for success are clear. In fact, I believe that the likelihood that the New Plan will lead us to continuing victory in Iraq is directly proportianal to the newishness of the New Plan compared to the Old Plan.

It may seem as if I just indulged in an extensive digression, but it was important to demonstrate the dizzying heights to which your career in insanity could take you, if only you demonstrate the aptitude and determination. Don't give up. Be creative. Be insane.