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Stay the Course 2.0

Yesterday, I explored some prospects available to those considering careers in insanity. As I read over my musings, I see now that I may have left you with an erroneous impression—that the only occupation for the unbalanced is the act of being cracked itself.

In addition to the challenges and rewards of actually being crazy, a résumé steeped in insanity can also act as a springboard to notoriety in other fields. For example, craziness could be just the advantage to rocket you to a career as an actor in action movies. With training and diligence, you could develop what is known as "talk show versatility," alternating between jumping gleefully on couches and pistol-whipping hosts while channeling L. Ron Hubbard.

Too tame for you? You may have noticed that crazy people are often put in charge of countries. Nuts are regularly installed in countries like Venezuela, Iran, and North Korea, among many others. As the insane leader of a Foreign Country, you could enjoy such perks as believing that big hair fools your followers into thinking that you're tall. Also, some despots get to name months and things after themselves, such as in "I have to remember to pay my car insurance before we leave for vacation; it's due on Bill Bensen 15th."

On the other hand, Foreign Countries are often far away or otherwise inconvenient because of economic or military instability. Also, people in other countries frequently speak languages that are Not English. It's very hard to learn to speak Not English.

Don't worry, though. Crazy people can also have a political future in the United States, where Not English is the national anti-language. Moreover, the "tall hair makes me impressive" benefit applies here too, but is mostly confined to loud reverend-types and politicians who hurl personal electronics at security workers. In a further development in insanity yesterday, the Honorable George W. Bush, president of the United States, introduced a New Plan for the war in Iraq. You may be interested in learning how the New Plan is different from the Old Plan. For your convenience, I have compiled the following list from extensive research of my own thinking.


As you can see, this represents a major shift in US policy. Astute military types will note that the above extensive table deals only with tactics—what you actually do based on your strategy and your opponent's choices. Another important military concept is that of strategy—planning of what you're going to do before you do it. Please see the below table for a summary of strategy... before and after.


In summary, this is clearly a New Plan, in the same way that looking into a fun house stretchy mirror thing causes you to lose weight. Though many cut-and-run-aid-and-comfort-to-the-enemy-pinko-liberals fail to see the prudence of the New Plan, its chances for success are clear. In fact, I believe that the likelihood that the New Plan will lead us to continuing victory in Iraq is directly proportianal to the newishness of the New Plan compared to the Old Plan.

It may seem as if I just indulged in an extensive digression, but it was important to demonstrate the dizzying heights to which your career in insanity could take you, if only you demonstrate the aptitude and determination. Don't give up. Be creative. Be insane.

It's a living

I'm thinking of starting a career in insanity. I know it will seem like a bad idea to many, but I think most people aren't fully aware of the benefits. The average person only considers the strange looks, the half-whispers, or the bad pay. True, being nuts won't get you health insurance or a sweet pension. True, loopiness won't lock in a full dating schedule for life. True, you may find yourself repeatedly starting sentences with the same word for no discernible reason.

My point is, most people tend to overlook the rewards of a career in insanity. It requires no special equipment. You get to make up your own words. (Did you notice "loopiness" up there a minute ago? It's perk of the job.) Perhaps most importantly, you work for yourself and set your own hours. People around you have no way of knowing when you're taking time off. If you're a workaholic, OSHA won't get on your case to make you take vacation time.

The list continues, but the social implications alone should convince you. Think about that lady from Boise on your most recent airplane ride; how long did it take her to conclude that you're dying to hear about her springer spaniel's ingrown hair? The next time you're on a plane, avoid such problems by blurting an insanity establisher as soon as you sit down. (You'll find several examples in your orientation manual.) I'd suggest something simple like, "I used to have that problem. I've just felt so much younger since I started rinsing my bathtub with guacamole." Bring a stopwatch to track how long it takes nearby passengers to mumble something about the restroom and leave—the aircraft.

I know what you're thinking. "It all sounds so appealing, but I'm not sure I have the skills for psychosis." Don't worry. Yes, it takes practice and maybe head trauma to really carry off stark-raving. But the good news is that you can begin with a few simple steps. A little crazy can be very effective. Enough eccentricities to form a nice thin coat on a conversation make for a retroactive effect. Onlookers begin to wonder if what you said and did last week was crazy too. Soon, you'll have an imagined history of strangeness that you didn't even require you to be on the clock. Work smarter, not harder.