It's a living

I'm thinking of starting a career in insanity. I know it will seem like a bad idea to many, but I think most people aren't fully aware of the benefits. The average person only considers the strange looks, the half-whispers, or the bad pay. True, being nuts won't get you health insurance or a sweet pension. True, loopiness won't lock in a full dating schedule for life. True, you may find yourself repeatedly starting sentences with the same word for no discernible reason.

My point is, most people tend to overlook the rewards of a career in insanity. It requires no special equipment. You get to make up your own words. (Did you notice "loopiness" up there a minute ago? It's perk of the job.) Perhaps most importantly, you work for yourself and set your own hours. People around you have no way of knowing when you're taking time off. If you're a workaholic, OSHA won't get on your case to make you take vacation time.

The list continues, but the social implications alone should convince you. Think about that lady from Boise on your most recent airplane ride; how long did it take her to conclude that you're dying to hear about her springer spaniel's ingrown hair? The next time you're on a plane, avoid such problems by blurting an insanity establisher as soon as you sit down. (You'll find several examples in your orientation manual.) I'd suggest something simple like, "I used to have that problem. I've just felt so much younger since I started rinsing my bathtub with guacamole." Bring a stopwatch to track how long it takes nearby passengers to mumble something about the restroom and leave—the aircraft.

I know what you're thinking. "It all sounds so appealing, but I'm not sure I have the skills for psychosis." Don't worry. Yes, it takes practice and maybe head trauma to really carry off stark-raving. But the good news is that you can begin with a few simple steps. A little crazy can be very effective. Enough eccentricities to form a nice thin coat on a conversation make for a retroactive effect. Onlookers begin to wonder if what you said and did last week was crazy too. Soon, you'll have an imagined history of strangeness that you didn't even require you to be on the clock. Work smarter, not harder.