What—no Wife Points?

In the aftermath of my provocative exposé about the little-understood Husband Points System, I've been asked many times (mostly by the voices inside my head) "Why only a Husband Points system? Isn't there also a Wife Points system? How about some way for men to reclaim some power?" Poor sods.

These questions arise from a fundamental misunderstanding of the Way The Universe Works. Here are some practical reasons a WP system (and remember, you can substitute GP for Girlfriend Points, or whatever equivalent you prefer) will never work:

The negative feedback loop
In the previous two Husband Points articles, we clarified that HP are not redeemable for anything. Instead, they exist to be lost. The very act of losing HP carries the penalty of making interactions with your sweetie Less Pleasant. Let's pretend that you have instituted a Wife Points system. You have done this surreptitiously. Why? Imagine your mate's reaction to the idea. An immediate waterfall of HP rain down on the floor.

Do you begin to see the problem? Let's take it further and imagine a case in which the wife is question is clearly ogling some attractive man. (If she is cupping her hands and mumbling something like "...could bounce a quarter off those...," it obviously exacerbates the situation.) Now imagine applying the point system: Clearly, she deserves to take a hit in WP.

Imagine that your wife now says, "You know, I'm not really feeling like Chinese tonight. Could we do Indian instead?" Springing on your opportunity to cash in on those lost WP, you say, "Well, if you really want to, I could eat Indian. I just don't see why we can't go where I want to for a while." According to the fictitious WP system, you are well within your bounds... There will never be a good outcome from this. You will begin bleeding so many HP that a tourniquet around your neck will actually sound appealing.

Do you fully appreciate the problem? The effect of a WP system would be exactly the same as the effect of the HP, but much, much more! You may as well pour gasoline on yourself and try to put out fires by stomping on them.

The... Er... affection angle
In the HP system, loss of HP can render the husband less likely to encounter the... er... affection of his beloved. This tends to make a Big Impression on us. Such impressions can be strong motivators in our perseverance and creativity in avoiding Husband Point loss.

Now compare the effect of the HP system with the effects of the WP system: you lose points, you get nothing. She loses points, you get nothing. It's the same thing. What are you, stupid?

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I hope this clears up the question of Wife Points at long last. If you wish to inflict that kind of karmic sinkhole on yourself, have party. Me, I'm going to go and sit quietly in the middle of a darkened room and try very hard to avoid losing any more HP.

Husband Points, continued

Today's article continues the riveting exposé I began yesterday (Husband Points). You'll remember the first two Tenets of the HP system:

1. You can only lose HP; you can't earn or regain them.
2. You have no power to affect the HP system or its machinations.

This may be a good time to consider an example in real-life context.

It's Saturday mid-morning, and a work buddy calls to ask if you want to play some racquetball (or basketball, Parcheesi, whatever). "Hey, Honey—Gerald from work wants to hit the Y for some racquetball this morning. Did you have anything planned?" If you've had no recent loss of Husband Points, the response might be something like this: "I had thought I might pick up milk at the store this morning. Could you grab some on your way back?" Amateurs might see this as an opportunity to gain HP by agreeing; those of us who understand the First Tenet know better. Your sweetie is actually presenting you with a hidden opportunity to lose HP—or not; the choice is up to you. If you say yes, you have survived the encounter with no loss of HP; you have simply maintained the status quo. If you say no, you've taken advantage of that stealth HP-loss opportunity.

Note that successfully navigating this hurdle doesn't mean that your racquetball outing is free from danger of HP loss. If, during the time you're gone, it occurs to your mate that "you know, we could use some olive oil, too. I mentioned it last night during the news; I hope he remembers and picks that up, too." This is what is known as a psychic HP-loss opportunity. But that's an advanced topic. I deal with such tangles in my 5-day seminar.

Okay, I have another important Tenet for you: the First-and-a-Halfth Tenet of Husband Points. This Tenet states that even if you could earn HP, you could not redeem them for anything. HP are not legal tender. So who cares? If the exchange rate from Husband Points to anything is exactly zero, why keep track of them at all?

Pay attention now: losing Husband Points subtly erodes the relationship's atmosphere of goodwill, among other things. Those experienced husbands out there know what I mean. Recent loss of HP will color all near-future interactions. The Saturday racquetball scenario above might instead evolve into something like this: "Would it kill you to spend a Saturday morning with me? I thought we could go grocery shopping today, but if you'd rather hang out with some guy from work, that's fine with me." See how unpleasant life becomes in the context of a recent HP loss? In addition, you've lost a bunch more HP just by bringing up the possibility of doing what you want to do.

Here are a few of the many negative effects of HP loss:

• Goodwill (as you've seen above) goes on hiatus.
• Hobbies you enjoy with friends or by yourself suffer.
• More normal events produce HP-loss opportunities (as above).
• HP-loss for other infractions becomes more dramatic, increasing the affect.
• You may notice an unavailability of... er... affection.

Again, many optimistically believe that they can actually counter these affects (i.e. gain Husband Points) with thoughtfulness, kind words, and Good Behavior. This is most desperately hoped for in the case of affection. Poor sods. Even in the absence of any HP loss, and in the presence of lots of Good Behavior, the quantity and quality of available affection will be exactly what the affection–bestower desires, so that's not really an increase. In the case of a drop in Husband Points... well, let's not talk about such unpleasant things any further.

So let's review the First-and-a-Halfth Tenet of the Husband Points system: Husband Points, should you have any left, can't actually be redeemed for anything; they simply exist to be lost.

What to do
Now that you understand the HP system, the question remains: how do you maintain the optimal outcome—avoiding HP loss as much of the time as possible?

You could fake your own death. While this may result in some initial Husband Point loss, depending on the current level of goodwill, you may actually end up with a positive balance. However, if you start over with a new person, realize that you don't automatically get the full Husband Point allotment to begin with. You aren't even guaranteed your previous HP balance. In general, your HP balance will be the same as the last guy with whom your mate was associated. Even if you come in with a high balance, your sweetie will quickly assess your HP suitability and may make a series of large debits to your account.

Another possible solution is to visit your local neighborhood cybernetics expert and attempt to become a Stepford Husband (yes, I stole the idea). While becoming an entirely submissive automaton may seem appealing, it also means that you would probably cease to get much enjoyment out of the things that loss of HP makes inaccessible. So I'd call that choice a wash.

Okay, confession time... that's really all I have. I've got nothing else. Really. I have not yet learned the secret of avoiding mild or catastrophic Husband Point loss, except for the faking-your-death or android routes. My only hope is that readers will deluge this site with their suggestions, experiences, and techniques in avoiding HP loss.

So... for me and for humanity, contribute to this cause by sharing your ideas. With your help, I hope to write a book and perhaps win the Nobel Prize in... well, something.

Thank you for your support.

Husband Points

Exhibits A and B

Some of you may not know that I am an experienced husband. I've been married for 10 years to my wonderful and caring wife Kristin. We have an amazing three-year-old son Micah, about whom I promise to blather extensively in another biographical post. I could talk at Homeric length about my brilliant and charming son, but I'll refrain for the moment.

Today, I hope to provide awareness for those of lesser experience (or perhaps insight)... an awareness of the crucial issue of Husband Points (hereafter referred to as HP, but not to be confused with Hit Points; if you're likely to confuse HP with Hit Points, you may be too entrenched in the world of Role-Playing Games. Put on your +2 Elven Non-Geek Helmet and join the rest of society for the duration of the post.)

Please note that the conceptual framework for Husband Points exists whether you are married or not. If you like, you can translate HP to BP (boyfriend points, or an equivalent if you're currently in prison).

The First Tenet of Husband Points is that you cannot under any circumstances earn HP. "That's ridiculous!" you may say, "what purpose do points have if you don't get any?" More about that soon, but this leads us directly to the Second Tenet of HP: your opinion about the HP system doesn't matter. It came not into being to serve husbands, but to serve our nemeses opponents tormentors soul-mates.

Coming to terms with the Second Tenet is crucial. Only when you have accepted the inevitability can you learn to live with it and minimize the damage.

Back to the First Tenet... Husband Points may never be earned—only lost. The key to survival under the HP system is to keep from hemorrhaging HPs unnecessarily. To do this, we must study those things that cause us to lose HPs. In short, anything that causes your mate displeasure has the potential to tear away Husband Points like a turkey vulture perched on fresh roadkill.

Carefully note that I did not say that "behaving in a way that causes your mate displeasure" loses you points. If your beloved even thinks you behaved poorly, you lose Husband Points. If she later changes her mind and decides that you behaved reasonably, refer to the First Tenet—you're never getting those points back.

To help you on your way, examine the following circumstances and decide which circumstances are likely to cause a loss of HPs:

• You inadvertently call your wife by any other female's name.
• Your mate sees you ogling another woman, poster, or electronic device.
• Your spouse sees another woman, poster, or electronic device and thinks you were likely leering.
• She sees another woman, poster, or electronic device that she thinks you would likely find attractive, had you seen it.
• Your mate wife is angry because you moved her keys; later, she remembers she had actually moved the keys.
• Your spouse dreams that you moved her keys.
• Your spouse dreams that she lost her keys and that you were not home to help her find them.
• Your mate remembers a time when you moved her keys and she couldn't find them.
• Your love considers the possibility that you might at some time in the future inconsiderately move her keys.

If you said that all of the above constitute sufficient reason to lose Husband Points, you are correct. Because many of the HP loss opportunities will be beyond your control, it is imperative that you avoid those Bad Behavior options that are under your control, such as blogging about your loving spouse.

Astute readers will have reasoned that with so many opportunities to lose HP, and no opportunities to gain any, you will eventually lose all of your HP. What happens then? Husband Point debt. This is a very bad situation, as the interest is very heavy. Astute readers (sometimes also called depressed people) will have by now deduced that most husbands spend most of their life in HP debt. Have I mentioned how important it is to stop the bleeding?

If everything seems so hopeless and skewed against us, why even try to avoid loss of Husband Points? Tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion, when we will learn about the effects of HP loss on our lives and what we can do to combat them.