Husband Points, continued

Today's article continues the riveting exposé I began yesterday (Husband Points). You'll remember the first two Tenets of the HP system:

1. You can only lose HP; you can't earn or regain them.
2. You have no power to affect the HP system or its machinations.

This may be a good time to consider an example in real-life context.

It's Saturday mid-morning, and a work buddy calls to ask if you want to play some racquetball (or basketball, Parcheesi, whatever). "Hey, Honey—Gerald from work wants to hit the Y for some racquetball this morning. Did you have anything planned?" If you've had no recent loss of Husband Points, the response might be something like this: "I had thought I might pick up milk at the store this morning. Could you grab some on your way back?" Amateurs might see this as an opportunity to gain HP by agreeing; those of us who understand the First Tenet know better. Your sweetie is actually presenting you with a hidden opportunity to lose HP—or not; the choice is up to you. If you say yes, you have survived the encounter with no loss of HP; you have simply maintained the status quo. If you say no, you've taken advantage of that stealth HP-loss opportunity.

Note that successfully navigating this hurdle doesn't mean that your racquetball outing is free from danger of HP loss. If, during the time you're gone, it occurs to your mate that "you know, we could use some olive oil, too. I mentioned it last night during the news; I hope he remembers and picks that up, too." This is what is known as a psychic HP-loss opportunity. But that's an advanced topic. I deal with such tangles in my 5-day seminar.

Okay, I have another important Tenet for you: the First-and-a-Halfth Tenet of Husband Points. This Tenet states that even if you could earn HP, you could not redeem them for anything. HP are not legal tender. So who cares? If the exchange rate from Husband Points to anything is exactly zero, why keep track of them at all?

Pay attention now: losing Husband Points subtly erodes the relationship's atmosphere of goodwill, among other things. Those experienced husbands out there know what I mean. Recent loss of HP will color all near-future interactions. The Saturday racquetball scenario above might instead evolve into something like this: "Would it kill you to spend a Saturday morning with me? I thought we could go grocery shopping today, but if you'd rather hang out with some guy from work, that's fine with me." See how unpleasant life becomes in the context of a recent HP loss? In addition, you've lost a bunch more HP just by bringing up the possibility of doing what you want to do.

Here are a few of the many negative effects of HP loss:

• Goodwill (as you've seen above) goes on hiatus.
• Hobbies you enjoy with friends or by yourself suffer.
• More normal events produce HP-loss opportunities (as above).
• HP-loss for other infractions becomes more dramatic, increasing the affect.
• You may notice an unavailability of... er... affection.

Again, many optimistically believe that they can actually counter these affects (i.e. gain Husband Points) with thoughtfulness, kind words, and Good Behavior. This is most desperately hoped for in the case of affection. Poor sods. Even in the absence of any HP loss, and in the presence of lots of Good Behavior, the quantity and quality of available affection will be exactly what the affection–bestower desires, so that's not really an increase. In the case of a drop in Husband Points... well, let's not talk about such unpleasant things any further.

So let's review the First-and-a-Halfth Tenet of the Husband Points system: Husband Points, should you have any left, can't actually be redeemed for anything; they simply exist to be lost.

What to do
Now that you understand the HP system, the question remains: how do you maintain the optimal outcome—avoiding HP loss as much of the time as possible?

You could fake your own death. While this may result in some initial Husband Point loss, depending on the current level of goodwill, you may actually end up with a positive balance. However, if you start over with a new person, realize that you don't automatically get the full Husband Point allotment to begin with. You aren't even guaranteed your previous HP balance. In general, your HP balance will be the same as the last guy with whom your mate was associated. Even if you come in with a high balance, your sweetie will quickly assess your HP suitability and may make a series of large debits to your account.

Another possible solution is to visit your local neighborhood cybernetics expert and attempt to become a Stepford Husband (yes, I stole the idea). While becoming an entirely submissive automaton may seem appealing, it also means that you would probably cease to get much enjoyment out of the things that loss of HP makes inaccessible. So I'd call that choice a wash.

Okay, confession time... that's really all I have. I've got nothing else. Really. I have not yet learned the secret of avoiding mild or catastrophic Husband Point loss, except for the faking-your-death or android routes. My only hope is that readers will deluge this site with their suggestions, experiences, and techniques in avoiding HP loss.

So... for me and for humanity, contribute to this cause by sharing your ideas. With your help, I hope to write a book and perhaps win the Nobel Prize in... well, something.

Thank you for your support.