Stay the Course 2.0

Yesterday, I explored some prospects available to those considering careers in insanity. As I read over my musings, I see now that I may have left you with an erroneous impression—that the only occupation for the unbalanced is the act of being cracked itself.

In addition to the challenges and rewards of actually being crazy, a résumé steeped in insanity can also act as a springboard to notoriety in other fields. For example, craziness could be just the advantage to rocket you to a career as an actor in action movies. With training and diligence, you could develop what is known as "talk show versatility," alternating between jumping gleefully on couches and pistol-whipping hosts while channeling L. Ron Hubbard.

Too tame for you? You may have noticed that crazy people are often put in charge of countries. Nuts are regularly installed in countries like Venezuela, Iran, and North Korea, among many others. As the insane leader of a Foreign Country, you could enjoy such perks as believing that big hair fools your followers into thinking that you're tall. Also, some despots get to name months and things after themselves, such as in "I have to remember to pay my car insurance before we leave for vacation; it's due on Bill Bensen 15th."

On the other hand, Foreign Countries are often far away or otherwise inconvenient because of economic or military instability. Also, people in other countries frequently speak languages that are Not English. It's very hard to learn to speak Not English.

Don't worry, though. Crazy people can also have a political future in the United States, where Not English is the national anti-language. Moreover, the "tall hair makes me impressive" benefit applies here too, but is mostly confined to loud reverend-types and politicians who hurl personal electronics at security workers. In a further development in insanity yesterday, the Honorable George W. Bush, president of the United States, introduced a New Plan for the war in Iraq. You may be interested in learning how the New Plan is different from the Old Plan. For your convenience, I have compiled the following list from extensive research of my own thinking.


As you can see, this represents a major shift in US policy. Astute military types will note that the above extensive table deals only with tactics—what you actually do based on your strategy and your opponent's choices. Another important military concept is that of strategy—planning of what you're going to do before you do it. Please see the below table for a summary of strategy... before and after.


In summary, this is clearly a New Plan, in the same way that looking into a fun house stretchy mirror thing causes you to lose weight. Though many cut-and-run-aid-and-comfort-to-the-enemy-pinko-liberals fail to see the prudence of the New Plan, its chances for success are clear. In fact, I believe that the likelihood that the New Plan will lead us to continuing victory in Iraq is directly proportianal to the newishness of the New Plan compared to the Old Plan.

It may seem as if I just indulged in an extensive digression, but it was important to demonstrate the dizzying heights to which your career in insanity could take you, if only you demonstrate the aptitude and determination. Don't give up. Be creative. Be insane.