Wednesday, January 17, 2007

C.A.E. - Drop the apostrophes and come out with your hands up!

Crimes Against English is a semi-occasional feature of Hopelessly Eclectic. I use these posts to shame alleged native English–speakers into stopping the senseless abuse of a language that's just minding its own business, after all. For more information about C.A.E. philosophy, see http://hopelesslyeclectic.blogspot.com/2007/01/crimes-against-english.html.

Okay, so I got this nasty example from the same video store that advised me "your on camera." Apparently, cruelty to spelling wasn't enough. Apostrophe abuse is required, too.

So here's a little hint:

You never need an apostrophe to talk about more than one of something!

I really have to wonder about the thought process of this video store employee: "Hmm, what's the rule? If it's 3 or fewer, I don't use an apostrophe. If it's 4 or more, I do use an apostrophe." Or perhaps he/she was relying on the age-old real estate adage "punctuation, punctuation, punctuation."

For that matter, what's the deal with the quotes around the number 4?? Picture the 16-year-old with the eyebrow piercing behind the counter: "Okay, you get like (air quotes) four things of popcorn, right?" Does that mean it's approximately four bags? Is 4 a euphemism for something else? "Well, we're supposed to tell you that you get 4 bags, but it's really three bags and a sack."

Okay, here is the language lesson for today:

Plural: When you've got more than one of something, just add s or es.

"I see that you have one bag, Ted. You're such a loser. I, on the other hand, have four delicious bags of popcorn."

Possessive: Describing ownership

"That bag's bottom is completely soaked with buttery topping substitute. If we can get Dylan to hold it in his lap on the car ride home, it'll be totally hilarious."

Contractions: Because it's just too much effort to say "that bag is."

"That bag's only the 'venti' size. Gimme the 'heart attack' instead."


Except: "It is" is contracted to "it's," and something owned by it is "its."

"I think it's cool you chose a radioactive porcupine as a pet. Its little quills give off such a nice glow."

And lay off the quotes! Quotation marks show people what somebody said; they don't give extra emphasis to anything. Underline or bold or something if you must!

It's just like my mother always said, "You'll never amount to anything." And I'm proud to say that I haven't.

So there.

2 comments:

Asaraludu said...

Pray tell, where is this wonderful video store?

I'm going to guess Family Video - I've never been in one, but they seem like such a "high-class" estabishment when I'm driving through the 'hood.

Arioso said...

Owing to my high degree of journalistic integrity, I couldn't possibly violate the anonymity of one of my subjects.

And I'm not going to tell you on account of I don't want to get sued.