I'm thinking of starting a career in insanity. I know it will seem like a bad idea to many, but I think most people aren't fully aware of the benefits. The average person only considers the strange looks, the half-whispers, or the bad pay. True, being nuts won't get you health insurance or a sweet pension. True, loopiness won't lock in a full dating schedule for life. True, you may find yourself repeatedly starting sentences with the same word for no discernible reason.
My point is, most people tend to overlook the rewards of a career in insanity. It requires no special equipment. You get to make up your own words. (Did you notice "loopiness" up there a minute ago? It's perk of the job.) Perhaps most importantly, you work for yourself and set your own hours. People around you have no way of knowing when you're taking time off. If you're a workaholic, OSHA won't get on your case to make you take vacation time.
The list continues, but the social implications alone should convince you. Think about that lady from Boise on your most recent airplane ride; how long did it take her to conclude that you're dying to hear about her springer spaniel's ingrown hair? The next time you're on a plane, avoid such problems by blurting an insanity establisher as soon as you sit down. (You'll find several examples in your orientation manual.) I'd suggest something simple like, "I used to have that problem. I've just felt so much younger since I started rinsing my bathtub with guacamole." Bring a stopwatch to track how long it takes nearby passengers to mumble something about the restroom and leave—the aircraft.
I know what you're thinking. "It all sounds so appealing, but I'm not sure I have the skills for psychosis." Don't worry. Yes, it takes practice and maybe head trauma to really carry off stark-raving. But the good news is that you can begin with a few simple steps. A little crazy can be very effective. Enough eccentricities to form a nice thin coat on a conversation make for a retroactive effect. Onlookers begin to wonder if what you said and did last week was crazy too. Soon, you'll have an imagined history of strangeness that you didn't even require you to be on the clock. Work smarter, not harder.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
It's a living
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2 comments:
I'm still not convinced. After all, I ahve all of this accumulated seniority at beinf, if not sane, at least mentally stable. Will that carry oveer to the new position? What about my IRA?
Greg:
No significant career move is without risk, but careful management should make this transition pretty safe.
To expand on the "retroactive effect" benefit I mentioned: that long history of stability can be thrown into question with a few simple modifications to your routine.
Let's say that you typically drink a lot of coffee. This habit has well-established ties to your "normal" past, so a few alterations make onlookers question if you've always been this way. From now on, after refilling your coffee mug/cup each time, mutter softly to the coffee on your way back to the desk. Begin very softly and subtly, gradually working your way louder as the weeks pass. Within a month or so, you can begin having arguments with the beverage. Violà! You have converted part of your seniority to suspected insanity.
You mention that you have an IRA. Excellent! Controlling your own militant political movement can go a long way in establishing you as a madman.
By the way, the typo thing is really working for me. Obviously, typing errors are not the exclusive domain of crazy people, but your placement and technique are perfect to add to the overall ambiance.
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