Husband Points

Exhibits A and B

Some of you may not know that I am an experienced husband. I've been married for 10 years to my wonderful and caring wife Kristin. We have an amazing three-year-old son Micah, about whom I promise to blather extensively in another biographical post. I could talk at Homeric length about my brilliant and charming son, but I'll refrain for the moment.

Today, I hope to provide awareness for those of lesser experience (or perhaps insight)... an awareness of the crucial issue of Husband Points (hereafter referred to as HP, but not to be confused with Hit Points; if you're likely to confuse HP with Hit Points, you may be too entrenched in the world of Role-Playing Games. Put on your +2 Elven Non-Geek Helmet and join the rest of society for the duration of the post.)

Please note that the conceptual framework for Husband Points exists whether you are married or not. If you like, you can translate HP to BP (boyfriend points, or an equivalent if you're currently in prison).

The First Tenet of Husband Points is that you cannot under any circumstances earn HP. "That's ridiculous!" you may say, "what purpose do points have if you don't get any?" More about that soon, but this leads us directly to the Second Tenet of HP: your opinion about the HP system doesn't matter. It came not into being to serve husbands, but to serve our nemeses opponents tormentors soul-mates.

Coming to terms with the Second Tenet is crucial. Only when you have accepted the inevitability can you learn to live with it and minimize the damage.

Back to the First Tenet... Husband Points may never be earned—only lost. The key to survival under the HP system is to keep from hemorrhaging HPs unnecessarily. To do this, we must study those things that cause us to lose HPs. In short, anything that causes your mate displeasure has the potential to tear away Husband Points like a turkey vulture perched on fresh roadkill.

Carefully note that I did not say that "behaving in a way that causes your mate displeasure" loses you points. If your beloved even thinks you behaved poorly, you lose Husband Points. If she later changes her mind and decides that you behaved reasonably, refer to the First Tenet—you're never getting those points back.

To help you on your way, examine the following circumstances and decide which circumstances are likely to cause a loss of HPs:

• You inadvertently call your wife by any other female's name.
• Your mate sees you ogling another woman, poster, or electronic device.
• Your spouse sees another woman, poster, or electronic device and thinks you were likely leering.
• She sees another woman, poster, or electronic device that she thinks you would likely find attractive, had you seen it.
• Your mate wife is angry because you moved her keys; later, she remembers she had actually moved the keys.
• Your spouse dreams that you moved her keys.
• Your spouse dreams that she lost her keys and that you were not home to help her find them.
• Your mate remembers a time when you moved her keys and she couldn't find them.
• Your love considers the possibility that you might at some time in the future inconsiderately move her keys.

If you said that all of the above constitute sufficient reason to lose Husband Points, you are correct. Because many of the HP loss opportunities will be beyond your control, it is imperative that you avoid those Bad Behavior options that are under your control, such as blogging about your loving spouse.

Astute readers will have reasoned that with so many opportunities to lose HP, and no opportunities to gain any, you will eventually lose all of your HP. What happens then? Husband Point debt. This is a very bad situation, as the interest is very heavy. Astute readers (sometimes also called depressed people) will have by now deduced that most husbands spend most of their life in HP debt. Have I mentioned how important it is to stop the bleeding?

If everything seems so hopeless and skewed against us, why even try to avoid loss of Husband Points? Tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion, when we will learn about the effects of HP loss on our lives and what we can do to combat them.